


A Study in Charcoal and Graphite

by Argyle_S



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Angst, Don’t copy to another site, F/F, Midvale (Supergirl TV 2015), Pining, romantic kalex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-15
Updated: 2020-09-20
Packaged: 2021-02-27 18:46:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 25,264
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22740442
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Argyle_S/pseuds/Argyle_S
Summary: Alex hates Laundry, and Kara hates wanting.
Relationships: Alex Danvers/Kara Danvers
Comments: 307
Kudos: 535





	1. Laundry and Sketchbooks

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Daxolotl](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Daxolotl/gifts).



> This is a gift for [Daxolotl](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Daxolotl). She asked for fluff, and I tried, but then I happened to it. I hope it makes her feel better anyway.
> 
> I have no idea how often this will update, but it will not be on a regular schedule like my other fics.
> 
> No betas, we dye like wmoen!

It was Alex’s week to do the laundry, and of all the chores they rotated through, laundry was the one Alex hated the most. It used to be cooking, but her Mom had finally admitted defeat on that point years ago. She did all the cooking, because while Alex and Kara won’t exactly starve if left to fend for themselves, neither of them will ever be anything close to a gourmet chef. So Eliza cooked, and Kara and Alex shared the other chores. Mowing the lawn, taking out the trash, washing the dishes, vacuuming, and laundry.

Most of them Alex didn’t mind, but she hated laundry. She hated separating colors and whites, she hated soaking panties and pants in cold water to get out blood stains when her somewhat erratic period arrived without warning. She hated having to do a separate load for Kara’s smocks so paint didn’t ruin good clothes. But most of all, she hated having to check for charcoal, because there was always charcoal, and if there wasn’t charcoal, there was graphite. Alex has lost count of how many hours she’d spent scrubbing out charcoal stains with a sponge, or graphite stains with a toothbrush.

It used to be an annoyance. Another weird thing Kara did. She always had a sketchbook and a drawing kit with her, wherever she went, and half the time when Alex looked at Kara, Kara would have the sketchbook open and be off in her own little world, sketching away. Alex never gave it much thought. It was a relief, in a way. When Kara was drawing, people mostly ignored her. Art nerds were pretty low on the priority list of people to pick on.

Since things changed between them though, it was something else. It was a mystery. Since things changed, the two of them shared almost everything. They ate together, they talked, they laughed, they cried, they watched movies. They were inseparable, except when Kara opened the sketchbook. When that happened, she got lost in a world of charcoal and graphite and wax paper and cheap hairspray. A world Alex was locked out of. Because Kara would share everything with her, even pot stickers, but not those sketch books.

So Alex hated laundry, because it was a reminder of the one thing Kara wouldn’t share, of the one place Kara had forbidden Alex to go. She’s not sure why it bothered her so much. They’re just sketch books. Just stupid drawings.

Alex hated laundry because she hated a mystery, and those damn sketch books were a mystery. Alex used to think they were like Kara’s paintings. Just memories of Krypton. But she figured out a long time ago that they weren’t. Kara loved to show her the paintings of Krypton, and of her family. But the sketch books she guarded as if her life depended on it.

She didn’t even let her art teachers see them. She had a dedicated sketch book for class, and Alex had seen that. Pages and pages of charcoal, graphite, pastels and watercolors, all skillfully rendered imagines of nice, safe subjects. Main street, Streaky, random classmates or teachers, bowls of fruit. Whatever the assignment was. All of them are technically proficient, but Alex had seen the art Kara was passionate about, and she knew the difference.

So every time she did the laundry, her mind lingered on those sketchbooks, and the mystery they represent. The hidden, closed off place inside of Kara that she’d never been allowed to see. And when she went back to their room, and she saw the shelf where Kara’s old sketch books, the ones long since filled and tucked away were stacked, she felt like Eve in the garden, staring at the apples with a hunger nothing else could possibly satisfy.

She was good though. She never peaked, never gave in to the temptation. She loved Kara too much to cross that line. So she fell on her bed and she tried to think of something else. It used to be easier. She used to let her mind wander to Vickie and what they would do the next time Alex slept over, but since they fought, thinking of Vickie was more confusing than anything else.

Today was harder than most though, because a few minutes after she’d come in and lay down on her bed, Kara had opened her sketch book, and taken out a stick of charcoal and gone to work. Alex closed her eyes, and pretended to sleep, but she couldn’t drift off. Not with the soft scrape of charcoal on paper in her ears, or the sound of Kara blending with her fingers, or the burn of curiosity and rejection filling her.

Eventually, she heard the soft hiss of the cheap hair spray Kara used to fix the charcoal and graphite on the page, and the stench of it made her wrinkle her nose. She opened her eyes and looked over at the bedside table where Kara always set the sketch book to dry, but just like always, Kara had propped it up so Alex couldn’t see the page from her bed.

Alex closed her eyes, and a few minutes later, she finally drifted off to sleep, her last thought of how much she hated doing laundry.

* * *

The humans had a saying. If wishes were horses, beggars would ride. It had confused Kara the first time she heard it, but later, once she understood it, it would echo in her mind. It was something uniquely human. A clever little commentary on the futility of wanting something which was beyond your reach. It also had a sort of casual cruelty to it, again, something uniquely human, in its disregard for the pain of unfulfilled longing.

Kara knew that pain intimately. Some days, she thought she knew it better than any human ever could, because the size of what she longed for was so much larger than anything a human could want. She longed for home. She longed for a family and culture and history and identity which had been wiped from the stars. She longed for foods she would never taste again. She longed for music that she would never hear again. She longed for places she would never be again. She longed for sights she would never see again.

But the cruelty of longing for that unimaginably vast collection of want that fit within the word ‘Krypton’ was not the biggest cruelty. Krypton was a past she missed, a past she had lived and loved but which was now forever out of sight and out of reach.

Far crueler was the longing for that which was within reach, within sight, only a hair’s breadth away, and forever unattainable. Far crueler was the longing for the thing she loved most in all the universe, the gift Rao had given her to fill the hole in her heart left the day Krypton had been wiped from the stars. Far crueler was the longing for Alex.

Some days, she blamed Kal-El for it. His rudimentary grasp of their language, and his ignorance of their culture had led him to make a promise that would never be kept. Some days, she blamed herself for not learning the intricacies and nuances of human culture fast enough to stop a misunderstanding from turning into heartbreak. On her darkest days, she thought maybe it was Rao, punishing her for her weakness and failure. If she hadn’t hesitated, if she hadn’t stayed long enough for one last hug from her mother, then Kal-El would not have grown up without a teacher and a guide, and he never would have made so terrible a mistake.

It was, perhaps, the height of irony that the architect of her pain was also the source of her salvation. Kal-El’s heavily accented Kryptonian was hardly enough for them to communicate at first. Both of them learned quickly, and while Kal-El had never really shaken the thick Kryptonopolis accent, he had gotten much, much better. But those first few rocky days, they had communicated almost as much by hastily drawn pictures as they had words. Kal-El had told Eliza that Kara had a gift for art, and Eliza had provided Kara with an endless stream of art supplies. Charcoal and graphite sticks, pastels and watercolors, colored pencils and markers, oils and acrylics and temperas, paper and card stock and canvas, but it was in the sketch books that Kara found the freedom to lay her want bare.

Book after book, month after month, year after year she filled them, chronicling Alex in charcoal and graphite with a photographic level of detail and accuracy. She changed only one detail when she committed Alex to the page over and over again, adding the bonding bracelet that Kal-El had unknowingly promised, but that Alex would never wear.

It was dangerous. Kara knew that. Eliza never pried, content to let Kara have a private space to put her feelings, but Alex looked at the sketch books with curious eyes. At first, it didn’t matter. Kara was grieving for the bond no one knew she had lost, and she doubted anyone would understand the significance. If anyone found the sketches, Kara could just pretend that Alex was simply a convenient subject to draw. But as the number of sketches grew, that excuse wore thin, and when Jeremiah died, and Alex hated her, she knew it would be dismissed out of hand.

Now though, Kara wondered what she would do if Alex ever found out. Now that they were close, now that they were inseparable, there was a small, secret little part that wanted Alex to look, wanted her to see. It was Kara’s silent rebellion. She’d given up Krypton, given up Kara Zor-El, because she had to, because Alex was too precious to lose. But in the pages of the sketch book, she could be her again. For a moment, she could be Kara Zor-El, and she could look at Alex, and she could say ‘This is what I was promised. This is what I want. My friend, my partner, my home, my bond mate.’

When she finished a sketch, it was always the same. She took out the cheap hair spray, and she sprayed the page to fix the charcoal or graphite in its place, and then she sat the book aside for a few minutes to let the hairspray dry. And for just those few moments, she would dream of Alex seeing the page, and realizing what the bracelet meant. She would dream of Alex telling her that she wanted that too, that she wanted them to be bonded. Then, the hairspray would dry, and Kara would close the book, and set aside the dream until next time.


	2. The Boy on the Beach and the Girl on the Couch

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kara and Alex go to the beach, then have a night in.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it's been so long between updates. I can't really promise it will get any better, but have a chapter.

The sun had already started it’s decent by the time they got to the beach, which made in harder. In fact, if it weren’t for the fact that her eyes worked in areas of the spectrum humans could only dream of, she probably wouldn’t have been able to do it at all, and for just a moment, she wished they lived on the east coast instead of the west. It was a fleeting thought though. A moment of annoyance before she pulled her sketchbook and her drawing tin and selected one of the graphite sticks.

She sat on the sand and watched as Alex stripped out of her t-shirt and board shorts, waiting for the moment she wanted to capture. It was always a little different, but that day, inspiration struck as she watched Alex start smearing anti-chafing gel on. Still, she didn’t start drawing right away. She didn’t want to miss a moment of Alex climbing into the painted-on wetsuit.

“Are you good?” Alex asked.

“Yeah,” Kara said. “Go have fun.”

Alex gave her a smile before she headed for the water, and Kara couldn’t stop herself from smiling back, and once Alex was in the water, Kara looked down at her sketch book and started drawing. She placed every line carefully and used her fingers to smear the graphite to provide shading and depth, recording every contour of Alex’s body on the paper. She let her fingers linger in the places she longed to touch. Alex’s neck, her abs, the swell of her hip, her lips. The hands she saved towards the end, spending more time on them, imagining what it would feel like to be touched by them not as a sister, but as a bond mate.

She glanced up at the sound of someone approaching and saw a boy headed in her direction. She turned back to the drawing, wishing they were out in front of their house, instead of at Swan Beach, but Alex liked to surf here because the swells were higher. It was a mixed bag. On the one hand, it gave Alex more opportunity to show off, and Kara loved watching her, but on the other hand, Swan beach was always crowded, and she could never watch Alex the way she wanted.

Still, the drawing was almost enough. Committing Alex to the page, recording the shape of her body, every curve and contour, was an intimate act. It made her feel connected to Alex in a way nothing else did. And of course, there was the fact that the charcoal and the graphite gave her a way to edit her reality for a moment, to give them the connection she truly longed for.

A smile tugged at her lips as she got ready to add the bonding bracelet that she always added to her drawing of Alex. It was the moment she always saved as late as she could, the moment she wanted to savor, the moment when, however briefly, she could be Kara Zor-El.

“What are you drawing?”

Kara snapped the sketch book shut and look up at the boy she’d seen coming her way earlier. She felt her heart pounding inside her chest as terror flooded her. Had he seen?

No. No, if he had seen, he wouldn’t have asked.

“Nothing!” she said, wincing at how obvious it was in her voice that she felt guilty.

The boy smiled. “Well, it must be something interesting for you to react like that.”

“It’s none of your business,” Kara said.

The boy held up his hands. “Okay. Sorry. I didn’t mean to poke a sore spot. It’s Kara, right?”

“How do you know that?”

“I’m in one of your classes, at school. Third period. Advanced Oil Painting.”

“Oh,” Kara said. She felt a little guilty, because honestly, she wasn’t sure if she’d recognize anyone in that class other than her teacher, Ms. Rafaque. She’d had at least one class with her every semester since she started high school, and she might have been nursing a bit of a crush.

“Can I sit down?” he asked.

“Sure.”

“I’m Grant,” he said.

“Nice to meet you,” Kara said, even though it wasn’t. She’d much rather be finishing her drawing.

“I’m kind of new here,” he said. “My family just moved to Midvale a few weeks before the school year started.”

“Well, that would explain why you’re talking to me,” Kara said.

“What?”

“Most people at Midvale High don’t want anything to do with me,” she said.

“Well, that’s crazy. Why wouldn’t they want to hang around with the prettiest girl in school?”

“I got the quarterback kicked off the team for smoking pot and the most popular teacher in the school arrested for sleeping with a student,” Kara said.

“Given how boring this town is, those sound like great reasons to hang out with you,” Grant said.

Kara forced herself to smile, even though she didn’t really want to, and part of her wished she was back home. On Krypton, it would be perfectly acceptable to tell Grant that she was busy, and wished to return to her task, but on Earth, that would be considered rude, and she didn’t know a good way to get out of this conversation.

“Kara?” Alex called.

The forced smile became genuine, as she turned to see Alex walking towards them, board in hand with a concerned expression on her face.

“Everything okay?” Alex asked.

“Yeah,” Kara said, giving Alex a pleading look. “Grant was just introducing himself.”

Alex turned to Grant. “Nice to meet you,” she said, in a tone that made it clear that it was anything but.

“Are you two friends?” Grant asked.

“Is that some kind of joke?”

“Um… no.”

“Grant’s new in town,” Kara said, because she wanted Alex to get rid of him. Not kill him.

“Oh,” Alex said. She planted her board in the sand.

“Yeah. I don’t really know many people, but Kara and I have an art class together, so when I saw her, I thought I’d introduce myself.”

“Right,” Alex said. “Well, it was nice meeting you.”

Grant seemed to get the point and stood up. “See you in class,” he said to Kara before he walked away.

Alex dropped down on the sand in front of Kara. “Was he bothering you?” she asked.

“Not really,” Kara said. “He just… He tried to look at my sketchbook.” Alex frowned and turned to glare at Grant’s back.

“You want to go home?” Alex asked.

“No. I’m fine if you want to surf some more.”

“You’re sure?” Alex asked.

“Yeah.”

Alex smiled and got up. She grabbed her board as she headed back towards the water. Kara watched her go, then opened her sketch book back up, relieved to see that the sheet of wax paper she kept in it had prevented the drawing from being smudged. She smiled as she went back to work, adding the last, and most important detail before she reached for the hair spray to set the image.

* * *

Alex sat on the couch, not really watching the movie. They’d seen it a few times in the theater, and as much as Alex normally loved watching Kiera Knighting stab people with a sword and become a pirate king, her attention was elsewhere. Specifically on the alien space heater that was curled up against her side.

Kara had gone through the two bags of popcorn Alex had made in record time, then curled up against Alex’s side, rested her head on Alex’s shoulder, and promptly fell asleep. Alex had just put her arm around her, turned the movie down, and spent the next hour and a half just enjoying the closeness. She loved moments like this. Quiet moments when she got to just be with Kara without having to worry about school, or other kids, or her mom.

She wasn’t sure how it happened, not really, but Kara had become the center of her world, pushing out her friends, pushing out the memory of her dad, even pushing out her mother. Some days, it felt like it had happened overnight, and some days, it felt like it had been inevitable from the moment Kara arrived.

The problem was, tonight, she couldn’t seem to enjoy it as much as she usually did. Something about what happened on the beach that day bothered her. She had no idea who Grant was, and at first, she’d assumed he was someone hassling Kara, but that wasn’t the case. Sure, Kara had wanted him gone, but that wouldn’t always be the case, and she’d felt the same spike of jealousy that she used to feel when boys would ask out Vicki.

Kara let out a small grumbly noise and Alex had to fight down the urge to laugh. She tightened her hold on Kara, and Kara responded by snuggling in closer to Alex, grabbing hold of Alex’s pajama top, and burying her head in the crook of Alex’s neck. It was a simple thing, something Kara had done countless times before, but it always sent an ache thought Alex that she didn’t quite understand. She used to feel something similar the nights she’d sleep over at Vicki’s, but never quite as intensely as she felt it with Kara.

It made her wonder if there was something wrong with her. She should have been happy for Vicki that she had a date. She should be happy at the idea of Kara making a friend, or maybe even finding a boyfriend. Those were good things, things that would make Kara happy, and Kara deserved to be happy. Instead, she hated the idea. She’d hated the thought of sharing Vicki, and she hated the thought of sharing Kara even more. Kara was hers, and she wanted every moment she could get with her, from breakfast in the morning, walks to and from school, lunch, afternoons spent talking and laughing, evenings spend curled up on the couch watching movies are just talking, to nights spent talking into the wee hours of the morning, or even sometimes crawling into Kara’s bed to hold her when she had a bad dream, or when a storm woke her up. Kara was hers. It was a selfish, greedy thought, but she took care of her, taught her, protected her, comforted her, and loved her, and all she wanted in return was to be able to keep her, instead of watching some boy who would never deserve her come along and take her away.

She wondered, sometimes, if wanting that made her a terrible person. If wanting Kara all to herself was some sort of horrible character flaw. She wondered if her dad would be ashamed of her for it. She wondered if she cared, because honestly, nothing had ever mattered to her the way Kara did.

Kara grumbled again, and Alex reached for the remote. She turned the movie off, then turned and slipped her free arm under Kara’s legs, and stood up. It was an easy thing. When Kara was asleep, she tended to regard gravity as a suggestion at best, so picking her up was never that hard, and it made carrying her to bed effortless.

It was a short trip down the hall, and Alex pushed the door to their bedroom closed with her foot, then gently lowered Kara onto her bed, but Kara didn’t let go when Alex started to stand up.

“Stay with me,” Kara whispered, still half asleep.

“Okay,” Alex said. “Float for a minute.”

Kara lifted up off the bed just enough for Alex to turn back the covers, then she settled down onto the mattress. Alex climbed into the bed with her and pulled the covers up over them both. It took about five seconds before Kara was wrapped around her like a particularly cuddly Koala.

Alex loved it. She wrapped her arms around Kara, and pressed a kiss to her forehead, then she lay back and closed her eyes, happy that she got to have this, even if she knew she’d have to give it up someday.


	3. The Lunch Room and The Road Home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kara has another run in with the boy from the beach, and Alex has some questions.

Kara smiled as she sat down in her usual spot at the lunch table. The entrée was macaroni and beef, one of her favorites. With the yeast roll, the mashed potatoes and gravy, the tatter tots and the cup of orange juice, it was almost enough carbs to last her through her next class. With a little luck, she might make it through the day without a glare from Ms. Fulton for eating in class. Well, probably not. She had a habit of eating when she was bored, and Ms. Fulton was probably the only person in the universe who could make multivariable calculus boring, so it wasn’t really Kara’s fault.

She used her spoon to mix up the pasta and sauce as she looked around for Alex. She spotted her at the back of the lunch line, and sighed, knowing it would be a few minutes before Alex got to the table. It shouldn’t be a big deal, but she always wanted every minute she could get with Alex.

She has just taken her first bite of her food, when someone sat down across from her. She looked up to see Grant, and her first thought was that he was sitting in Alex’s spot. Her second was that it was rude for him to sit down without being asked.

“Hey, again,” Grant said.

“Hello,” Kara said without any real enthusiasm. A point Grant seemed to miss.

“So, Alex is your sister, huh?”

“Yeah,” Kara said. “How’d you know?”

“I kind of asked around. I thought I might have gotten between you and your girlfriend.”

“No,” Kara said, feeling a little sick to her stomach suddenly, because she was afraid he had figured out her secret. That she wanted Alex to be her girlfriend. More than her girlfriend, really, because a bond mate was so much more than just a romantic partner. They were a partner in all things, a companion, a true life mate. Kara had accepted that Alex would never fill that roll for her, no matter how much she wanted her too, but if Grant had figured out how she felt, and said something to Alex, it might destroy the relationship they’d built over the last few months.

“She’s kind of scary, you know.”

“That’s one of the things I like best about her.”

Grant laughed, and Kara wished she had Alex’s gift for making people go away. It wasn’t that she had anything against him, he seemed nice enough, but Kara really wasn’t interested in making a friend she couldn’t be honest with. She had Alex, and maybe it wasn’t the healthiest thing in the world, but she didn’t want anyone who would take time away from that.

“So, um… You don’t have a boyfriend, do you? Or a girlfriend?”

“Uh, no,” Kara said. “Social outcast, remember.”

“You did mention that. I guess I’m just having a hard time believing it. A girl as pretty as you, who’s also a really good artists.”

Kara forced a smile, because that’s what you were supposed to do when someone paid you a compliment, but honestly, it made her feel a bit uncomfortable. She had always liked it when Kenny had given her compliments, but he had known her. Grant didn’t. Something made painfully obvious by the fact that he kept talking about how pretty she was. It wasn’t that Kara was unaware of how attractive she was. It was that back on Krypton, complimenting someone on their physical appearance was… Not rude, exactly, but it would be as strange as complementing someone on the fact that they had ten fingers and ten toes. It was a function of genetics rather than personal achievement. His comment on her artistic skill was more appropriate, but the way it came as an afterthought to her appearance was off putting. She knew he meant well, but she wished he would leave her alone. She glanced over to see where Alex was, and felt relieved to see that she was at the register, paying for her food. Hopefully, Alex could get rid of him without causing offense.

“So, would you like to go out with me sometime? You know, on a date.”

“What?” Kara asked, wincing at how loud her voice was. “No.”

Kara knew she’d said the wrong thing, or at least, had said the right thing the wrong way, from the look on Grant’s face. There was shock, disbelief, hurt and anger there, and she hated seeing it and knowing she was responsible, but she’d been so surprised she’s just kind of panicked.

“Why not?” Grant asked. Well, demanded really.

Kara stared at him, panic rising as she tried to come up with a reason that she didn’t want to go out with him that wouldn’t offend him. It wasn’t like she could tell him the truth. That she was in love with Alex and didn’t want to do anything that would take away from the time they had together before Alex went off to college. She needed something that wasn’t personal. Something that would preclude him as a romantic partner, without being his fault. Her first thought was to tell him she was already dating someone, but that wouldn’t work because she told him she didn’t have a boyfriend or a girlfriend, which was a shame because he’d seemed willing enough to back off when he thought Alex was her girlfriend.

Wait! That was it! It was perfect!

“I prefer girls,” Kara said. It was only after the words were out of her mouth that she noticed how quiet the cafeteria was. She looked around, her stomach filling with dread as she realized everyone was looking at her. She turned, looking for Alex, and found her standing behind Grant.

“You’re in my seat,” Alex growled. Grant took one look at her and scrambled to his feet, grabbing is tray and backing away from the table. Alex sat down, and Kara looked down at her plate, not sure if she could take it if she saw disappointment or disgust in Alex’s eyes. She wished, for a moment, that she was back on Krypton, where no one cared about stupid human things like gender and sexuality, where bond mates were chosen based on compatibility, and benefit to their families. Back in a place where the matricomp would review your psychological gestalt, genetic profile, and familial needs, and chose a partner, and no one would question the bond. She wanted to reach for her sketchbook, to look at the moments she’d committed to paper, to relive the moments where she could disappear into the fantasy that Alex would love her and long for her the way she loved and longed for Alex. Instead, she was faced with the possibility that her dream was about to be shattered. That Alex would finally, decisively reject her.

Before she could fall to deep into her fear, she felt Alex kick her foot, and she looked up at Alex. Alex smiled at her and the fear disappeared as quickly as it came. She still had Alex, and as long as she did, Kara knew everything would be okay.

* * *

Alex waited by the bike rack as Kara came down the steps in front of the school towards. Kara smiled at her, and gave a little wave, and Alex felt the same little flutter in her chest she always did when Kara smiled at her. She couldn’t help but smile back, because seeing Kara smiling and happy always made her feel like smiling. When Kara reached the bike rack, Alex fell in beside her and they started the walk home.

The walk was quiet, which was unusual for them. They usually talked the whole way home, but there was a strange tension in the air between them. Alex had a pretty good idea what was causing it. She’s seen how Kara had looked away after Alex, and most of the rest of the school, had overheard her confession. She wanted to reassure Kara, but she wasn’t sure what to say, or even how she felt about it.

She was surprised. She knew that. Kara had told her she’d wanted to kiss Kenny, so finding out Kara was gay was kind of a shock. She also couldn’t figure out why Kara hadn’t told her before, and if she were honest, it hurt a little bit. The same way that it hurt to be shut out of Kara’s sketchbooks. She wanted to be close to Kara, to share everything with her, but she kept finding little places where Kara was holding back, and she didn’t understand why.

She could feel the tension growing as they approached the bridge. Kara kept glancing over at her like she wanted to say something, but was scared, and Alex knew that no matter how hurt she was by Kara holding back, she couldn’t let Kara think she was upset.

“So, girls, huh?”

“Yeah,” Kara said. “Is that okay?”

Alex looked over at Kara. “Of course. Why wouldn’t it be?”

Kara shrugged. “Humans are weird.”

“Humans are weird?”

“Yeah. You’re all so stuck on gender and sexuality and it doesn’t really make any sense to me. Back home, people were just people.”

“But you’re a girl. Clark is a man.”

“Yeah, but that meant different things back home,” Kara said.

“What do you mean?”

“You remember when I was first learning English, I would blush all the time?”

“Yes.”

“You remember how I would always say ‘they’ instead of he or she?”

“Yeah, that was weird.”

“He and she were considered intimate terms on Krypton. You would never use gendered pronouns with someone in public. It would be like discussing someone’s... parts.”

“Oh. Okay, the blushing makes a lot more sense now.”

“Yeah. But like I said, humans are very… in your face about what... parts a person has. And they think that has some effect on what a person is qualified to do, or who you should bond with. It’s all very weird, and kind of barbaric.”

“Oh, so we’re barbarians now?” Alex asked.

“No! Just…”

Alex couldn’t help but smile as she watched Kara squirm as she tried to think of a word that wouldn’t be a little offensive.

“Preoccupied with anatomy,” Kara finally blurted out.

“So, what, no one had a preference back on Krypton?”

“Of course they did. The same way some people preferred twellian jam and some people preferred scarlet berry jam. It was just something private. Marriage was a public relationship. It was about partnership and companionship and family and community, but here, marriage and… stuff are all tied up together. People expect their bond mates to be their physical partners too, and that makes it a lot harder.”

“You mean, on Krypton, marriage people didn’t have sex?”

Kara blushed a little at the word, but she shrugged. “Not always. I know uncle Jor and aunt Lara did, because Clark was a natural birth. I don’t know if my parents did. I was a matrix birth. I know my mother had a lover named Lyssa Cor-Vex.”

“Your mom was gay?”

Kara frowned and shook her head. “Being gay is a human concept. Being bisexual is a human concept. Being straight is a human concept. My mother was Kryptonian, so no she wasn’t gay. She might have preferred female lovers, but that preference wasn’t a part of her identity the way it would be here on Earth.”

“But what about your dad?”

“What about him?”

“Didn’t he care that your mom had a girlfriend?”

“Why would he?”

“Because she was cheating on him!”

“She was not!” Kara said. “Marriages worked differently on Krypton. It was acceptable for people to take lovers, as long as it was discreet. Besides, I have no idea if my mother and father were lovers. I only know about Lyssa by accident. I came home from lessons early one day and saw then kissing in the doorway to my mother’s bed chamber.”

Alex stared at Kara for a minute as the walked. “Is that what you want? A marriage like that?”

“No. Not really. I… I always wanted a marriage like uncle Jor and aunt Lara. That’s why…” Kara stopped, and Alex could see color rising in her cheeks.

“Why, what?”

“I had a friend. Thara Ak-Var. I went to my father and asked him to arrange a betrothal.”

“You were married?”

“No. I know that mother and father had met with Ak-Var and Tes, but Krypton was destroyed before we were of age for a formal betrothal.”

“But you wanted to marry a girl?”

“Yeah,” Kara said. “Thara was my best friend. We knew each other so well we could finish each other’s thoughts. We worked well together, we enjoyed each other’s company, we made each other laugh. I don’t think I have ever been closer to someone than I was to Thara. At least, not until you and I started getting along.”

Alex looked away from Kara and tried not to think about how that sounded. She had to be misinterpreting it, but it almost sounded as if she was saying she was closer to Alex than the girl she wanted to marry. That couldn’t be right. But Thara might explain why Kara was so secretive about those sketchbooks. Was she filling their pages with drawings of the girl she had cared about before Krypton died? It would make sense, if it was something she’d been afraid to talk about, because she was afraid she might be rejected because of it, but she had more questions now than she did at the start of the conversation.

“If you’re saying gender didn’t matter on Krypton, then why did you tell Grant you prefer girls?”

“Because I do,” Kara said.

“But what about Kenny?”

“Kenny was an exception.”

“Why?”

Kara looked at her for a minute. “Promise not to get offended?”

“You’re about to insult humans again, aren’t you?”

“Just some of them.”

Alex rolled her eyes, but she couldn’t stop smiling. “If you must.”

“Human boys aren’t good at the things Kryptonians want in a bond mate,” Kara said. “On Krypton, relationships were partnerships. They weren’t about lust and passion. They were about people coming together, sharing burdens, caring for each other in times of need. Your bond mate is meant to be a source of strength and comfort. Most human boys aren’t good at those things. Kenny was an exception, but your culture doesn’t prioritize teaching boys those skills. You socialize women to do all the emotional labor, and I don’t want a bond mate who can’t return the same kind of support I would give them.”

Alex thought about what Kara said, and honestly, she couldn’t disagree with it. She knew some guys were actually supportive and kind, but aside from her dad and Kenny, she was having a really hard time thinking of any. But if Kara was just looking for someone who could be emotionally supportive, that did leave one question.

“What about the physical stuff?” Alex asked.

“What about it?” Kara asked.

“You want that with girls?”

“Yeah. I mean, if it was just physical stuff, I wouldn’t care either way. But it’s like I said. Human culture ties the physical stuff to marriage. It comes as a package here. So, if I can only get both if I’m with a girl, then I’m okay with that.”

“Why did you tell Grant?” Alex asked.

“I wanted him to leave me alone,” Kara said. “I thought… I thought if I told him I prefer girls it would be less of a big deal because it wouldn’t be personal.”

“Why didn’t you ever tell me?”

Kara looked away from her, and Alex felt a sinking feeling in her stomach. Didn’t Kara trust her?

“Kara?”

“Can we talk about it later?” Kara asked.

“Why?” Alex asked.

Kara stopped walking and looked down at the ground. “Can we talk about it later? Please?”

Alex wrapped an arm around Kara. “Okay,” she said.

Kara leaned into her. “I love you.”

“I love you too,” Alex said.

It was a moment or two before they started walking again, but the whole way home, Alex wondered what Kara was so afraid of.


	4. Confusion and Longing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex wants and doesn't understand why. Kara wants and doesn't think she can have.

Alex lay in bed staring up at the ceiling. Her homework was finished, and she’d sat for a while with Kara and watched some romantic comedy she didn’t remember the name of. Not that that was anything new. She hardly ever paid attention to one of Kara’s romcoms. She mostly just spent the time enjoying cuddling with Kara. That afternoon though, there had been a moment when they were settling down when Kara seemed to hesitate to curl up against her, and Alex had hated it.

Once Kara had settled against her side, she was even more clingy than usual. She spent the whole moving with a fist twisted in the tail of Alex’s shirt, and honestly, Alex wasn’t sure Kara had been paying any more attention to the movie than she was. There was the same strange tension between them that had been there on the walk home, and Alex wanted it to go away. She was supposed to be Kara’s safe place, and she suddenly didn’t feel like she was. She felt like Kara was waiting for her to explode.

Given how she’d reacted after Jeremiah had died, maybe Kara was afraid that Alex would react to this new bit of information about Kara and her past with the same sort of hostility. Alex wanted to tell her that it didn’t matter that Kara liked girls, and she’d started to do just that more than once, but she couldn’t get the words out, because it did matter. It mattered a lot.

Alex had hated the idea that some day Kara would find some boy and fall in love and get married, but somehow, the idea of it being some girl just made it that much worse. She lay there, imagining Tina, the not so secretly gay head cheerleader, or Jo, the butch girl in the drama club asking Kara out. Just the idea of it made her blood boil.

She thought about the way Kara described marriage on Krypton. Being together, sharing burdens, caring for each other, being a source of strength and comfort. It reminded Alex of the House of El motto. Stronger Together. But it also reminded Alex of what she and Kara already had. The closeness, the affection, the way they always reached for each other first when something was wrong. Kara was her best friend, and she was Kara’s, and they were stronger together. There was never any doubt in Alex’s mind of that. Kara didn’t need to go looking for those things with some girl. She already had them. They already had them. Alex would give Kara anything she needed.

Of course, Kara would probably want a physical relationship, too, and she said she didn’t want a Kryptonian style arrangement where she found a lover to meet those needs. She wanted a marriage like Clark’s parents had, which sounded more like a human marriage.

Alex turned on her side, so she could look at Kara, who was sitting on her bed, working in her sketchbook. She wondered if it would be better if Kara did want a Kryptonian style marriage. Then she and Kara could stay together. It wasn’t like Alex was particularly interested in the physical stuff anyway. She’d never really gotten what the fuss was about when it came to boys. She’d chased a few, because that’s what people expected. She’d kissed a few, and there hadn’t ever been any sparks or fireworks or whatever. She’d mostly just wanted it to be over, and for the boy to quit touching her.

She thought about it. What it would be like. Her and Kara getting an apartment together in National City. She’d go into the lab every day and come home to find Kara there. They’d curl up on the couch and talk about their day. They’d laugh, and cuddle. They’d go on vacations together. Go to work functions on each other’s arm.

The idea made her warm and happy, until she thought of the rest of it. Thought of the nights Kara would spend with someone else. Some girlfriend who would touch her and kiss her and… Alex had to stop, because the thought made her feel like she was going to throw up.

“Are you okay?” Kara asked as Alex rolled onto her back.

“Yeah,” Alex said.

“You sure? You seem upset.”

“Just wondering if I need to introduce Grant’s face to my fist to get him to leave you alone.”

“Please don’t.”

“I thought you didn’t like him.”

“I don’t, but you always get grumpy when Eliza grounds you, and if you punch him, you know she’ll ground you.”

“She’d have to find out about it.”

“She always finds out about it, and she said next time, she’d ground you for a month. Although… If you do hit him, I wouldn’t have to sit through the new Saw movie in theaters, so maybe I should let you.”

“You’d really sell me down the river, just to get out of a horror movie?”

“Yes,” Kara said.

“I see how it is,” Alex said. “See if I share my pancakes tomorrow.”

Kara gave her the puppy dog eyes, and Alex laughed, as if there was ever any chance she wouldn’t share with Kara.

She settled back on her pillow and looked up at the ceiling.

She didn’t know why it mattered so much, why she was so… possessive of Kara. Why did it matter to her so much if Kara did those things with other girls. Just because Alex didn’t enjoy that sort of thing didn’t mean Kara shouldn’t have it. It didn’t make any sense why she got so jealous at the idea. It wasn’t like she wanted to be the one kissing Kara.

As soon as she had the that thought, the image of her doing just that popped into her head. Pulling Kara close, leaning in, coving Kara’s lips with her own. She had no idea where the image came from, or why she reacted to it the way she did, but her breath hitched and her heart slammed inside her chest and she felt her stomach twist.

“Alex?” Kara asked.

She turned and looked at Kara, who had a concerned expression on her face.

“It’s nothing,” Alex said as she sat up, forcing the image out of her head. She couldn’t bring herself to look at Kara. She was to afraid that if she did, she’d see herself kissing Kara again. She needed a moment to get her head clear.

“I’ll be back in a bit.” She didn’t bother to put on her shoes. She just stood up, headed down the hall and out onto the balcony. She leaned against the rail, looked out at the waves rolling in, and tried to figure out what just happened.

The image of her kissing Kara came back unbidden, but in more detail this time. Before she’s just imagined herself kissing Kara. No detail, no setting, just her and Kara kissing. This time, the image was more detailed. She imagined them in bed together, Kara pressed up against her side, Kara climbing on top of her and leaning down. She closed her eyes, because she could almost feel Kara’s lips on hers. The kiss wasn’t anything like the way boys kissed her, rough and demanding. It was soft, so unbelievably soft.

Alex shook her head, trying to banish the image. What the hell was wrong with her? Thinking of Kara like that. Bad enough she was jealous of anyone Kara even so much as looked at. Now she was fantasizing about…

She closed her eyes, trying to hide from her own thoughts. Why did she have to be like this? Why did she have to be so… possessive of Kara? Maybe it was because she’d lost so much. Her dad, her friends, even in a way, her mother. Eliza was still there, but she was so different now than she was before Kara arrived and before Jeremiah died.

In a lot of ways, Kara was all she had left, but she was supposed to protect her. Not… Want that.

She jumped slightly when she felt someone touch the small of her back, and turned to find Kara looking at her with concern in her eyes.

“Alex?”

“I’m fine,” Alex said.

“You’re crying,” Kara said.

Alex reached up and touched her face, surprised when her fingers came away wet.

“What’s wrong?” Kara asked.

“I…” Alex stopped, because she couldn’t tell Kara the truth, and she couldn’t lie, because Kara would know. She just shook her head. That seemed to be enough for Kara, who stepped forward, and wrapped her arms around her. Alex hugged Kara back, as tightly as she could.

They stayed that way for a long time.

* * *

Kara slipped into bed next to Alex, and as soon as she was under the covers, Alex wrapped her up in a tight hug. Kara wrapped her arms around Alex, and held her as Alex resting her head on Kara’s shoulder. She reached up, and stroked Alex’s hair until she heard Alex’s breathing even out, and her heartbeat slow down. Once she was sure Alex was asleep, she turned and pressed a kiss to her forehead.

She didn’t know what was hurting Alex. She’s wanted to push until Alex told her, but it felt to hypocritical, given that she’d refused to answer Alex’s question that afternoon. Instead, she’s settled for comforting her as best she could until Alex had cried herself out, then carrying her to bed. She’s been afraid that Alex wouldn’t want her to sleep in the same bed now that she knew about her sexuality, but Alex had actually asked her to stay.

Kara couldn’t put words to the relief she felt that she would get this one more time. This is where she wanted to be every night, in bed with Alex, holding her or being held, feeling the warm of Alex pressed against her. She knew, once Alex knew the truth about why Kara had never told her she liked girls, and why Kara kept the contents of the sketchbooks private, that Alex would probably never be willing to share a bed with her again.

She sometimes wondered if she was wrong for taking advantage of Alex’s ignorance of her desires this way. After all, Alex could hardly give informed consent when she didn’t know the truth. It was something she tried not to think about. She knew her mother would be horrified at her behavior, but she couldn’t bring herself to give up the one or two nights a week that she got to spend with Alex like this. Not when she knew it was the closest she would ever come to the relationship with Alex she really wanted.

Alex shifted in her sleep, snuggling in closer, burying her face in Kara’s neck and throwing a leg over Kara, and Kara closed her eyes, repeating the calming mantra she’d used back when she was still learning to control her powers. It helped settle the way her body responded to Alex’s movement.

When the aching need had settled back down to the faint buzz of want that was always there when she was with Alex, she whispered a small prayer to Rao, one she’s repeated a thousand times before, asking him to fulfill the promise Clark had made, however accidently. It wasn’t a prayer she expected to be answered. Truth told, she sometimes wondered if Rao had forsaken her because if her failure to pass on their Kryptonian heritage to Clark.

She pressed another kiss to Alex’s head, and whispered, “/.:zhao w rraop/” The Kryptonian words translated to, ‘I love you’ in English, but English was a clumsy and imprecise language. Love could mean so many things, and I love you were words you could speak to a friend, a parent, a sibling. What Kara had said was precise. I love you romantically. I love you passionately. I love you with all of my heart. I wish to be joined with you forever in the light of Rao. The words she’d spoken meant all of that, and more.

They were rarely used on Krypton. In her entire life, she’d never heard them spoken by one person to another. She’d only read them in books that her mother would shake her head disapprovingly at if she knew Kara had read them. Sagas of adventure and love and romance, written in a time before Krypton had dismissed such things as fanciful wastes of time.

Much as she loved human movies and tv shows and books, when she thought of Alex, she always imagined herself a hero on the old Sagas. A Knight of Argo during the Clone War, or a Champion of Kandor during the Unification. She imagined fighting her way across the battlefields of Wegthor to reach a separatist camp or breaking into a Black Zero compound in the Ghost city of Jerat, to rescue Alex. The daydreams always ended with Alex kissing her, or sometimes with bonding ceremony. The dreams she had about Alex at night had begun going further, lately, with images of hands wandering away from faces and necks, finding places that make Kara ache and want in ways that were new and exciting and frightening all at once.

Somehow, as thrilling and tantalizing as all of that was, it never really compared to the reality of having Alex in her arms. The closer she got to Alex, the closer she wanted to get, and the more it was going to hurt when Alex found out the truth, and Kara lost her, but she couldn’t stop. Couldn’t bring herself to seek the distance that might save her when she answered Alex’s question.

“/.:zhao w rraop/” she whispered one more time before she closed her eyes and let the steady rhythm of Alex’s heartbeat lull her to sleep.


	5. Home and School

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex takes a sick day, and Kara meets someone new.

Alex lay in Kara’s bed, hugging her pillow as tightly as she could. It had been four days since Alex had found out that Kara liked girls. Four days since she’d had her first fantasy about kissing Kara. That night, she’s cried herself out, and fallen asleep, but in the three nights since, she hadn’t slept well, if at all. When she’d come downstairs for school that morning, Eliza had taken one look at her, and decided she needed to stay home.

That had led to a fight between Eliza and Kara. Kara wanted to stay home and take care of Alex, but Eliza had insisted Kara go to school. Alex was a little shocked. She couldn’t remember Kara ever yelling at Eliza before. Alex had actually had to step in and tell Kara it was okay before she backed down. Kara still hadn’t been happy, and her footsteps on the way out of the door were unusually stompy, which was always a sign that Kara was pissed.

Alex had finished her breakfast, then gone back up stairs and crawled into her bed and waited for Eliza to leave. As soon as Eliza was gone, Alex had gotten up and moved over to Kara’s bed. Part of her wondered if that was a little creepy, crawling into Kara’s bed, but she couldn’t help it. She wanted to feel close to Kara, she needed too, and it worked. She’d fallen asleep almost as soon as her head hit the pillow and slept for almost three hours.

She’s woken up a little past noon, her stomach growling. She’d gone down to the kitchen, and made herself a grilled cheese, then crawled back into bed to try and get some more sleep, but so far, she hadn’t had any luck. Her mind kept replaying the various daydreams she’d had about kissing Kara over and over again and left her on the verge of tears.

She loved Kara so much, but until a few days ago, it had never occurred to her that those feelings were anything but sisterly. Now that she realized what she felt was something very different from what she was supposed to feel, she didn’t know how to deal with it. Normally, when she was confused about something, she would talk to Kara, or sometimes, rarely, but sometimes, her mother.

She couldn’t go to either of them about this. She was pretty sure her mom wouldn’t have any issue with her being gay, but she was pretty sure if her mom found out she had feelings for Kara, she would disown her on the spot. But as bad as it would be, it wasn’t her mom’s reaction she was afraid of. She was terrified of how Kara would feel. That Kara would think Alex only cared about her because she wanted to…

She couldn’t say it, even to herself, because it wasn’t true. She loved Kara. Kara was her family. Kara was her home. Kara was the center of her whole world. She loved her because she was kind and brave and smart and because she had the heart of a hero, and because she was strong. Not just physically, but Kara had been through so much, but she still got up every day and smiled, and was just good. She was so good.

This, whatever this was, it wasn’t why she loved Kara. This was just something wrong with her. Hormones or something, or maybe she was just broken.

All she knew what that she needed to get her shit together. Kara already knew something was wrong. She’d already asked more than once what was wrong, and Alex had come dangerously close to telling her, because this felt too big to keep to herself. It felt like she was going to choke on it if she didn’t tell someone. But she couldn’t. No one would understand. So, she needed to hide it, to bury it. She needed to go back to being Kara’s sister, no matter how much it hurt.

She got up, and she took a few minutes to make Kara’s bed, before she climbed back into her own. The bed, which had always been perfectly comfortable suddenly felt like a prison as she lay, looking across the room at Kara’s bed. Tears threatened, and she decided that she could cry, one last time.

* * *

Some days, Kara wants more than anything to be normal, just so she can have the satisfaction of being petulant. She can’t even slam her lunch tray down on the table, for fear that the tray, the table, and a good chunk of the floor would end up in the basement. Being angry is dangerous when you live in a world made of cardboard and populated by tissue paper people.

She knows she shouldn’t be angry at Eliza. She knows her parents would have been mortified if they’d seen the way she yelled at Eliza that morning, and the Kryptonian part of her was a little mortified on their behalf, because you simply did not talk about to the head of house. But Kara couldn’t help it, couldn’t stop herself. Something was wrong with Alex. Something was wrong with her bond mate.

Kara stopped and reminded herself that Alex wasn’t her bond mate, and never would be. No matter how much she wanted her to be, no matter how many sketch books she filled with dreams and fantasies, Alex would never want her like that.

The reminder didn’t help. Not even a little bit. Every part of Kara screamed that she needed to be with Alex, that she needed to find out what was wrong, and fix it. Alex might not be her bond mate, but Kara didn’t love her any less because of that. Alex was her home, the only one she had left. Probably the only one she would ever have, and every instinct she had was screaming that she should be with her, taking care of her.

“Hey.”

The voice surprised Kara. She’d been so lost in her thoughts she hadn’t noticed anyone approaching. But that isn’t half the surprise she gets when she looks up and sees Tina Lupo, the head cheerleader, standing across the table from her.

“Mind if I sit down?” Tina asked.

Kara wanted to say no. She wanted to be left alone with her thoughts. But Tina was being polite, and Kara was still a daughter of the cadet branch of the House of El. She couldn’t abandon her manners, even if they weren’t the manners she had been born to.

“No. Please,” Kara said, gesturing to the seat across from hers.

Tina smiled at her as she sat down. “Thanks.”

“You’re welcome.”

“So, I hope I’m not intruding. I just noticed Alex wasn’t around today, and wanted to make sure no one gave you a hard time.”

“Oh. Um… thanks.” Kara said. She stared at Tina, not sure what else to say. She hadn’t had any idea the girl even knew who she was before today, much less that she knew enough about her to make such a considerate gesture.

Tina gave a small chuckle. “You’re confused, aren’t you?”

“A little,” Kara admitted.

“I got outed by accident too,” Tina said. “One of the boys on the football team saw me kissing my girlfriend on the beach last year. I was really worried about it at first, but the other girls on the team were great about it. Them having my back kept me from catching much flack. I know you don’t really have a lot of friends aside from Alex, but since she isn’t here, I thought I could kind of pay it forward, you know.”

Kara smiled at her. “That’s really nice of you.”

Tina smiled back. “You know, there are a few other gay girls around school. I could introduce you, if you like. I know Alex graduates at the end of the year, and it might be good for you to have some people to hang out with once she’s gone.”

Kara stared at Tina for a moment, completely taken about by her offer. She’d been a social outcast since the day her pod landed, and to suddenly have someone besides Alex trying to look out for her was both surprising and wonderful.

“I’d really like that,” Kara said.

“Great. I’ll introduce you to Chantel and Elena on Monday.” Tina pointed to a couple of girls sitting off in one corner of the cafeteria. “They’re cheerleaders too. I know art is more your thing, but I’m the only gay girl I know in the art classes.”

“You take art?” Kara asked. 

“Yeah. I’m in the intro to digital art class this semester. I’m hoping to get into the School of the Art Institute of Chicago once I graduate.”

“Cool! I’ve looked at their program.”

“You thinking of applying?”

Kara shook her head. “No. I’m looking at National City University.”

“Why? If your interested in art, there are a lot better programs.”

“It’s where Alex is going,” Kara said.

A look crossed Tina’s face, one Kara couldn’t quite interpret, but it was replaced by a smile so quickly that Kara thought she might have missed it, if she didn’t have her powers. “You two are pretty tight, huh?”

“Yeah,” Kara said.

“You know, I’ve heard good things about your work from Ms. Rafaque. I’d love to see some of it sometime.”

Kara smiled again at the thought. She didn’t really get much of a chance to show off her art to anyone aside from Alex. “If you want, you could come over to my place once Alex is feeling better.”

“It’s a date,” Tina said.


	6. A Date and A Punch In The Gut

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kara and Tina have their date, and Alex sees something she doesn't want to.

Kara had to force a smile as she headed towards the door. She had been looking forward to this all day, but Alex had been acting weird ever since Kara had gotten home from school the day before, and it was kind of souring things. She’d been a little hesitant to invite Tina over today, but Alex had insisted she was fine, and that it was okay, but Alex was weirdly distant, and that had only gotten worse after Kara had invited Tina over. It made her wonder if maybe Alex wasn’t as okay with her sexuality as she said she was. She really hoped that whatever was going on with Alex, that wasn’t it, but given that it seemed to have started the same day Alex found out that Kara preferred girls, she wasn’t sure what else it could be. It hurt to think that Alex would have a problem with it for a lot of reasons, not the least of which was the reminder that the person Kara wanted to be her bond mate was forever out of reach.

On the other hand, it made things with Tina seem a bit more important and urgent. If things were going to go back to the way they were before Kenny died, then she needed some sort of emotional safety net. She couldn’t go back to being alone like she was before she met Kenny. Tina and her friends wouldn’t be the same as having Alex, but at least she would have someone.

None of this would be an issue if Grant would have just taken no for an answer, or had left her alone in the first place, but that was part of the problem, wasn’t it? Human men, most of them, had such a sense of entitlement when it came to women. They felt entitled to a woman’s time, attention, affection, body, interest and emotional labor while offering almost nothing in return. And if a woman didn’t want to provide those things, they felt entitled to an explanation of why. Back on Krypton, such a demand would have been considered rude and invasive, but then, back on Krypton, no one would have approached her the way Grant did to begin with.

Some days, Kara longed for the more refined manners and customs of home.

She opened the door to find Tina standing on the porch, holding a large black portfolio.

“What’s that?” Kara asked.

“Well, I figured if you were going to show me yours, it’s only fair that I show you mine,” Tina said.

“Oh… um…” Kara stammered as she felt her cheeks heat up.

Tina grinned at her. “You’re cute when you blush.”

“Uh… thanks.”

“Are you going to invite me in?”

“Oh, um… of course. Come in!” Kara stepped back, to make room for Tina to step inside. “My studio is upstairs. Come on.”

“You have your own studio?” Tina asked.

“Sort of,” Kara said. “You’ll see.”

Kara led them upstairs. Once they reached the second floor, Kara saw Alex sitting on the sofa in the den watching Aliens.

“Hey, Alex. This is Tina Lupo. Tina, this is Alex.”

“Hey,” Tina said.

“Hey,” Alex replied without looking away from the TV.

Kara saw the frown on Tina’s face, and pushed down a flicker of annoyance at Alex.

“Come on. Studio’s this way.” She led the way down the hall, past the door to her and Alex’s room, to a smaller bedroom, and opened the door. Inside, the room was split in half. One half was filled with a workbench, toolboxes, a peg board with various tools hanging from it, and organizers filled with electronics components, circuit boards, and various bits of electronics. The other half had a massive easel, a drafting table, an organizer filled with art supplies, and shelves stacked with paintings.

“Wow,” Tina said as she sat down her portfolio. “Is all of this yours?”

“No. The work bench is Alex’s.”

“Ah. Does she not like me, or something?”

“She’s been having trouble sleeping, and tired Alex is always grumpy Alex. Actually, grumpy is kind of Alex’s default state if she’s not surfing or riding her dad’s motorcycle.” Kara didn’t mention the other exception to that was pretty much any time they got to cuddle up together. She was pretty sure Alex would murder her in her sleep if the kids at school found out that the girl who terrified pretty much everyone at Midvale High was a giant ball of mush who spent her nights in flannel pajamas, cuddled up with her sister watching Disney movies, romantic comedies, and the occasional horror movie.

“Good to know it’s not me,” Tina said.

“Yeah. She’s a bit like a hedgehog. Cute, but prickly.”

Tina laughed, and Kara couldn’t help but smile.

“Cute and funny,” Tina said. “That’s a good combination.”

Kara felt her cheeks heat up again, and she turned away to pull some of her paintings off the shelf.

“I’m not really sure where to start. I do a lot of um… sci-fi stuff, I guess.” She took the paintings she’d pulled down and sat two of them on the drafting table, and two on the easel. The paintings were of Krypton, though she knew Tina wouldn’t realize that. There was a scene from the Scarlet Jungle, one from the Rainbow Canyon, the Jewel Mountains, and the Ruins of Xan. She’d chosen each one because there was nothing in them to link back to any of the Kryptonian iconography that Kal-El had shared with Earth. No Coats of Arms, no Kryptonian writing. Just the beauty of a world she’d lost.

“Wow,” Tina said. “These are amazing.” She turned and looked at Kara. “If I didn’t know better, I’d think you had done these digitally and printed them on the canvas.”

“No,” Kara said. “Just oils.”

“How long did they take?” Tina asked.

“A few hours each,” Kara said.

“You did these wet on wet?”

“Yeah,” Kara said. “When I do a painting, I just kind of have to get it out of my head. I can’t really wait days for different layers to dry.”

Tina nodded. “I get that,” she said. “That’s part of the reason I paint the way I do. I could never get anything this crisp doing wet on wet.”

“I’ve heard acrylics are better for getting crisp edges when you’re working fast, but I hate trying to blend them. The colors never come out right. You get the perfect color when they are wet, but when it dries, the color is off.”

“I know what you mean. That’s why I stick to oils and watercolors.”

“You do watercolor?” Kara asked.

“Yeah,” Tina said.

“Hold on a second,” Kara said. She picked up the canvases and returned them to their spot on the shelves, then pulled out some of the canvas panels she used for her watercolors and laid them out. Images of the Firefalls, the Nightwing Nebula, the /dusylgiv/ fields outside of Argo, and one of the red face of Rao during the long twilight.

Tina looked at them, and Kar waited nervously, wondering what she would think. “These are beautiful,” Tina whispered.

“Thank you.”

“Do you just do landscapes and sci-fi stuff?” Tina asked.

Kara hesitated for a moment, but then shook her head. “I do some portraiture,” she said.

“Show me?”

“Sure.” Kara picked up the watercolors and put them away, then she selected three canvases and laid them out. “This is my foster mother, Eliza, and this is my foster father, Jeremiah, and this is my cousin, Clark.”

“I didn’t realize you’re a foster kid,” Tina said.

“I just kind of assumed everyone knew. It was big news at Midvale Middle School when the Danvers took me in.”

“I didn’t go to Midvale Middle School. My mom and I moved to town the summer before my freshman year. I know your dad… Well, I guess your foster dad… died around the end of freshman year.”

Kara looked down at the picture of Jeremiah. “That was hard,” she said. “Loosing him so soon after my parents.”

“What happened to your parents?” Tina asked.

“There was a fire,” Kara said, the well-rehearsed lie rolling off her lips easily. “I lost everything.”

“You didn’t have any other family?”

“Just my cousin,” Kara said. “He couldn’t take me in, but he asked the Danvers to take me.”

“Do you ever get to see him?”

“Sometimes. Not as much as I’d like. He’s a reporter, so he travels a lot for his job.”

“I’m sorry.”

Kara shrugged. “It’s not so bad. Eliza is great, and I’ve got Alex.”

Tina smiled. “You two are really close, huh?”

“Yeah. Alex is amazing.”

Tina looked back down at the paintings Kara had laid out. “Would… Would it be weird if I asked if you had any paintings of your parents?”

Kara’s heart stopped for a moment. She did have paintings of her parents, dozens of them, but she really only had one that she could show people, because most of the paintings she’d done had her parents in Kryptonian robes.

“I have one,” she said. “It’s in my bedroom.”

“Can I see it?”

“Yeah.” Kara picked up the portraits she’d laid out, and put them back on the shelf, then motioned for Tina to follow her. Tina picked up her portfolio and followed Kara down the hall to the bedroom she shared with Alex.

“You can put your portfolio on my bed,” Kara said as she headed over to one of the paintings hung on the wall.

Tina dropped the portfolio on Kara’s bed, and then came over to where Kara was.

“That’s the three of us,” Kara said. “Mom was a judge, and Dad was a biologist.”

Tina rested a hand in the small of Kara’s back. “I’m sorry you lost them,” she said. “I know how hard losing a parent is. I can’t imagine losing three.”

Kara turned to look at Tina for a moment. “Did you lose someone?”

“Yeah. It’s a long story.”

“I’m sorry.”

Tina shrugged and turned back to the painting. “You know, I’m starting to feel a little intimidated about showing you my work. All of your stuff is so good.”

“Oh, no. Don’t feel that way. I bet your stuff is amazing,” Kara said.

“Would you like to see?”

“Please.”

They went over to Kara’s bed and sat down. Kara watched a little impatiently as Tina opened her portfolio, but it was worth the wait. The first painting on the top of the stack was a portrait of a stoutly built woman, done in an impressionist style reminiscent of Monet or Van Gogh. The colors were bright and vivid, a blue jacket over a pink blouse, hair shot through with streaks of candy apple red, and eyes a vivid green.

“That’s my mom,” Tina said.

“It’s beautiful.”

“Not as good as yours.”

“It is,” Kara said. “The style is different. More impressionistic that the sort of hyperrealism I do, but this is amazing work. You should be proud of this.”

Tina blushed, and moved the painting so Kara could see the next one, and then the next one. Kara looked at each painting, and she could see the obvious influences.

“You like Frida Kahlo,” Kara said.

“Does it show?” Tina asked.

“The composition and some of the subject matter,” Kara said.

“I love her work. It’s so raw. She just put what she was feeling onto the canvas. I wish I could be that brave.”

Kara looked down at the last painting, a picture of Tina and her mother sitting at the table eating. There was a third chair at the end of the table with a place set, but no one there, just the silhouette of a woman left completely bare of paint. She reached out and tapped the edge of the canvas board.

“I think you are,” Kara said. “The negative space here says everything. The hole the person left inside you, the empty space they left in your life, the way every moment in your life feels unfinished because they aren’t there to be a part of it. It might not be the way Frida would have done it, but you put your truth and your pain on the page, just as clearly as she does. You may be afraid, but I don’t think you lack bravery.”

Tina blushed again and gave Kara a shy smile. “You know, I didn’t know what you expect when I sat down yesterday. I just, I remember how hard it was when I first came out, and I didn’t want you to feel as alone as I did. I didn’t expect to find someone who understands me so well.”

Kara looked down at the painting again, feeling her own cheeks heat up. “I… um…”

Kara felt a light touch on her cheek, and turned to see Tina leaning in. She stopped close enough that Kara could feel Tina’s breath on her lips.

“Can I kiss you?” Tina asked, her voice barely above a whisper. Kara stared at her for a moment, thoughts running at superspeed as she felt herself pulled in two different directions. Part of her screamed ‘no’, that she couldn’t do this, that she’d been promised to Alex and Alex had been promised to her, and that kissing Tina would be a horrible betrayal. Part of her, the more realistic part, knew that no matter how many sketchbooks she filled, no matter how many times she drew Alex with that bonding bracelet, it would never be a reality, that Clark had never intended to promise Alex to her, and that Alex didn’t know she’d been promised, and wouldn’t want Kara if she did. That part of her said that Tina was here, Tina was real, and Tina might be the first step in moving past the perpetual heartbreak that came from pining after Alex. That part of her won out, in the end, and she nodded as she licked her lips.

“Yes,” Kara whispered.

Tina closed the last little distance between them, coving Kara’s lips with her own. The kiss was soft and gentle. Tina’s hand curled around the back of Kara’s neck and pulled her in, and Kara moaned slightly as she felt Tina’s tongue slide over her lips. She opened her mouth, granting Tina access, and Tina wasted no time deepening the kiss. She slid forward, until her and Kara’s bodies were pressed together, and Tina’s other hand came to rest on her hip.

Kara lost herself in the kiss, savoring every touch, every sensation. Tina’s lips tasted of cherry lip gloss, her tongue was rough in Kara’s mouth, but her lips were soft and her hands were firm and her hair smelled of peppermint, and she made the softest little whimper when Kara ran a hand up her side.

Kara could have stayed there all day, lost in the heady mix of hormones and the rush of someone wanting her, but a strangled noise made them both pull apart, and Kara turned to see Alex standing in the door of their bedroom with a stricken look on her face.

“Alex?” Kara asked, but Alex didn’t answer.

* * *

Alex sat on the couch in the den, trying to tamp down on her feelings. She’d managed to stop crying before Kara had gotten home the day before and had actually managed to get some sleep that night. It hadn’t been the most peaceful night’s sleep, but it had been enough to let her be reasonably functional today. It had been enough that she’s been able to get her shit together, to push down her feelings, to tell herself, over and over again, that Kara was her sister.

Then Kara had asked if it was okay if she had a friend over to see some of her artwork. That wouldn’t have been a big deal, but Alex had asked who the friend was, and Kara had told her in was Tina Lupo. The head cheerleader. The not so secretly gay head cheerleader.

It was like everything Alex had been afraid of after she found out Kara liked girls was happening. She knew she shouldn’t be surprised about it. Kara was amazing. Smart, kind, beautiful, strong. And now that everyone in school knew she was gay it shouldn’t come as a surprise that girls were approaching her.

She just thought she would have more time to figure out how to cope.

Alex had forced herself to smile and pretend like nothing was wrong. She wasn’t sure if Kara had bought it, but she hadn’t said anything, and Alex had just headed upstairs and put in a DVD, figuring a little mindless violence would distract her. She picked Aliens, because Kara knew it was something Alex watched when she needed to unwind, but Kara hated it. Even though it was more action than horror, the two times they’d watched it, Kara had spent the whole movie hiding her face in Alex’s shoulder asking if it was over yet. She thought it would be a good way to give herself some time alone, but it turned out to be a bad choice because Newt always reminded Alex a little of Kara. A little girl who was the sole survivor of her entire world.

She left it on, because it wasn’t like there was much chance she was going to think of anything other than the fact that Kara had a date. And not just any date, either. No, Kara had to go and get a date with the head cheerleader. Tina Lupo had never really been a part of Alex’s social circle, but everybody at Midvale High knew who she was. Gorgeous dirty blonde hair, muscles that made Alex jealous, and curves that belonged in a Victoria’s Secret catalog, and a brain that had her in the running for Valedictorian. Oh, and she was apparently into art.

Alex shook her head and tried to focus on the movie. Usually watching Ripley mow down aliens with a pulse rifle was right up her alley, but it just couldn’t seem to hold her attention this time. Especially not when the doorbell rang, and a couple of minutes later she heard Kara leading someone up the stairs.

“Hey, Alex,” Kara said as they reached the top of the stairs. “This is Tina Lupo. Tina, this is Alex.”

“Hey,” Tina said.

“Hey,” Alex replied without looking away from the TV. She knew it was rude, but even saying that much made her stomach twist into knots. She wasn’t sure she could handle seeing Kara and Tina together.

Fortunately, Kara didn’t make an issue of it. She just led Tina back towards the workroom where Kara’s easel was set up and her paintings were stored, and Alex went back to staring blankly at the TV as Ripley raced for the dropship while the Alien queen chased her.

She tried to pay attention to the rest of the movie, but it was useless. Not even Ripley in the power loader could distract her from thinking about what was going on down the hall. She could see it, clear as day. Tina gushing over how amazing Kara’s art is, and how smart Kara is, and how brave and strong she is. Kara would blush and look way and give that awkward laugh she always does when someone compliments her and…

Alex closed her eyes, trying to get the image of what would come next out of her head, but it was no good. When she heard the music that played over the credits of the movie start, she took the DVD out, turned off the TV and headed for her bedroom, thinking maybe getting started on her homework would be enough of a distraction.

She felt a rush of anger when she saw that the door to the workroom was closed and turned to head into her and Kara’s bedroom. What she saw there was like a punch to the gut. Kara and Tina were sitting on Kara’s bed, kissing each other, and Kara’s hand was sliding up Tina’s side towards her breast. It took Alex a second to realize that the strangled sound that filled the room and made them jump apart had come from her.

“Alex?” Kara called, but she didn’t answer. She couldn’t. If she opened her mouth, she was going to be sick. Instead, she turned and headed for the stairs.


	7. Avoidance and Advice

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex doesn't want to talk about it, and Tina gives Kara some advice.

Alex headed down the path leading to the beach, trying her best not to cry. She could barely see where she was going, navigating more by memory that by sight. She kept blinking, trying to ease the stinging in her eyes, and trying desperately to not throw up. She’d told herself over and over again that Kara was her sister, that she couldn’t feel this way. She couldn’t be jealous if Kara got a girlfriend. She couldn’t hate Kara’s girlfriend. Kara had every right to be happy. Kara had every right to kiss cheerleaders and be happy.

Alex knew that. Alex had been trying to tell herself that for almost a week but seeing Kara kiss Tina hurt so much she didn’t have words to describe it. It felt like an elephant was standing on her chest. She couldn’t breath and the whole world was started to go dark around the edges.

Unable to go any further Alex dropped down on the sand, sitting just above the high tide line. She reached up, rubbing her sternum, trying to ease the unbearable ache in her chest. She shook her head, trying to banish the image of Kara kissing Tina from her head, but she couldn’t. It just kept playing over and over again. The noise Tina made as Kara’s hand slipped up towards her breast. The low moan from Kara as Tina leaned in. The way her stomach heaved and her vision swam and the rage boiled up inside her telling her to tear Tina away from Kara and beat the life out of her, and the crushing sense of worthlessness, of never being wanted, never being enough, never getting to keep anything that mattered to her.

Kara. She loved Kara. She wanted Kara. She wanted to be the one to feel Kara’s hands on her, and to touch Kara in return. She wanted to be the one who kissed Kara, who held Kara, who fell asleep next to Kara every night and woke up next to her every morning. She wanted to hold Kara’s hand, and make her laugh and smile, to make her happy and keep her safe and warm. She wanted Kara to be hers. Just hers and no one else’s.

She knew it was wrong, Kara was supposed to be her sister, but she couldn’t help it. She couldn’t stop herself from feeling this way. Maybe if she’d had more time to adjust, to get used to the idea of Kara dating girls, it wouldn’t have hurt so much. Maybe if it had happened while she was away at college next year, it would have been easier to process. She could have gotten used to the idea before she saw it with her own eyes. But none of that happened, and it hurt so much she wasn’t sure how she would survive it.

“Alex?”

She flinched at the sound of Kara’s voice, cursing the universe, because of course Kara followed her. Of course she couldn’t even suffer in peace.

“Go back to your date,” Alex said, practically choking on the words.

“Are you okay?” Kara asked

“I’m fine.”

“You’re crying.”

Alex reached up and wiped the tears she hadn’t realized were falling from her face. “I’m feeling a little off. I didn’t mean to interrupt. I just wanted to lay down.”

“We can let you have the room,” Kara said.

“It’s fine, Kara. I’m fine. Just leave me alone.”

She can feel Kara staring at her and she knows Kara doesn’t believe her, but thankfully, Kara lets it go.

“If you need me, just call,” Kara said and Alex can hear the hurt and confusion in her voice, which somehow makes her feel even worse than she already did. She wants nothing more than to invite Kara to sit next to her, to wrap her arms around Kara and never let go, but Kara’s got a date, maybe a girlfriend, and Alex can’t take being second best in this, not when she’s already second best in everything else in her life. Kara had always been the one person who made Alex feel like she came in first, and now, that was gone, so she didn’t say anything when Kara turned and headed back towards the house.

* * *

Kara headed back up to the house, trying her best not to cry. She’d been having such a good day, but now she was angry and frustrated. Something had been off with Alex ever since Alex had found out she liked girls, and if she was honest, it was starting to piss her off. Worse, it was making her miss Krypton. If she was at home, none of this would have been an issue. Her father would have already made a match for her and submitted it to the Matricomp for approval. If she was back home, she’d be betrothed to Thara, and she wouldn’t have to wonder if the people she cared about had a problem with it.

She wished Alex would just be honest with her and tell her what was going on. The irony wasn’t lost on her. She was keeping something huge from Alex. The difference was that she wasn’t keeping a secret that was destroying their relationship.

The worst part was, she was sure she knew what it was. Alex had said she didn’t have any problem with the fact that Kara liked girls, preferred girls, in fact, but she’d been acting different ever since she found out. It wasn’t hard to put together. Alex wasn’t comfortable with Kara’s sexuality. Kara thought she was trying to be, or maybe she was just worried Eliza would yell at her if she wasn’t, but nothing else had changed, and suddenly Alex was avoiding her, and ruining her chance at maybe getting a girlfriend.

Ruining her chance at maybe getting over her misplaced feelings for Alex. Something which was doubly important now that she knew how uncomfortable it would make Alex. And Great Rao, did that ever hurt. To know that not only would Alex not want to be her bond mate, but that even the idea that Kara might want to be with a girl was enough to make Alex act this way.

She wanted to call Clark and yell and scream at him for what he’d done to her, but worse that that, for the first time since Kenny, she wanted to call him and beg him to come get her, to take her back to Metropolis.

She reached the house, and headed upstairs, not sure what to say to Tina. Part of her wanted to just go back to kissing her like Alex had never interrupted them. To just lose herself in the heady feeling of wanting and being wanted in return. To let Tina’s hands wander where they wanted, and see where it took them.

She knew she couldn’t do that. Tina was nice and sweet and smart and kind and she deserved better than to be used as a way to distract herself from what was happening with Alex. Krypton might be gone, but Kara was still Kryptonian, still a scion of the House of El. She would treat any mate, or any potential mate with the respect and dignity they deserved.

She took a deep breath, mentally preparing an apology as she walked down the hall leading to her and Alex’s bedroom, and preparing to ask if maybe they could go on a real date sometime, but all her planning went out the window when she stepped in the room, and saw Tina sitting on the bed, flipping through her sketchbook.

“What are you doing?” Kara asked, fighting the urge to rush across the room at super speed and yank the sketchbook out of Tina’s hand.

Tina looked up from the sketch book, and Kara had trouble understanding the look on her face. If she had to hazard a guess, maybe disappointment, but she didn’t really know Tina enough to say for sure. Tina patted the bed beside her.

“Come sit with me,” she said, her voice soft and gentle.

Kara walked across the room, her heart hammering in her chest. No matter how often she daydreamed of showing those sketchbooks to Alex, of telling her the truth, the reality was, no one was ever supposed to see inside them. No one was ever supposed to know the feelings she put on those pages, but Tina was there, looking at them, and Kara was sure she understood what she was seeing.

“I’m sorry,” Tina said once Kara had sat down next to her. “I just wanted to see a bit more of your art while I waited. I didn’t realize they were private.”

“But you kept looking,” Kara said, trying to keep the humiliation she felt out of her voice.

“I did. I wanted to be sure I was seeing what I thought I was seeing.”

“Look, I don’t know what you think-“

“Kara,” Tina said as she reached out and covered Kara’s hand with her own. “It’s okay. I won’t tell anyone.”

Kara looked down, trying to swallow the lump forming in her throat.

“You want to talk about it?”

Kara shook her head.

“You sure? It might help, and I’m guessing you’ve never talked about it before.”

Kara looked up at Tina, who was staring back at her, waiting patiently.

“You won’t tell anyone?” Kara asked.

“Not a word.”

Kara looked down at the sketchbook, at a charcoal sketch of Alex sitting on one of the couches out on the deck, with Streaky curled up in her lap. She thought of all the times she wanted to say something, to tell Alex how she felt, and didn’t. She thought about all the times she wanted to talk about it but didn’t have anyone to talk to. She thought of Kenny, of the person she was so afraid to tell her secret, but who had kept it anyway, and of what it would feel like to be honest for once. To not have to hide anything.

“You promise you won’t tell anybody?” Kara asked, taking care to listen to Tina’s heartbeat.

“I promise,” Tina said. “Whatever you tell me, I’ll take to my grave.”

Kara stared at her for a moment. She was sure Tina wasn’t lying, but on the other hand, this was a big secret.

“What do you know about aliens?”

Tina’s eyes got wide, and she looked a little confused. “What most people know, I guess. They exist. Some are good, like Superman, some are bad, like Brainiac. There are probably a lot more of them on Earth than the government lets on.”

“And how would you feel if you met an alien?”

Tina shrugged. “They’re just people, right? Good, bad. It would depend on the alien.”

Kara nodded and looked down at the sketch book.

“When I came to live with the Danvers, I’d been on Earth for five days. I spoke a bit of English, but I wasn’t really fluent yet. I have a relative here. He’s from the same planet as me, but he grew up on Earth. He didn’t really speak our language fluently. He tried, but he’d learned it out of books and off recordings. When he brought me here, I was hurt and confused that he wasn’t going to take me in, but I didn’t really understand what was happening. I thought he was just following tradition.

“On my world, I was of age for a betrothal, and it’s a common practice for one of a betrothed pair to go and live with the other if something happens to their family. He told me I was going to join the Danvers family, but he used the wrong word, and I thought…”

Kara swallowed and looked away.

“You thought you were going to marry Alex,” Tina said.

Kara nodded. “I knew Alex was unhappy about me being here, but I thought she just wasn’t happen about the betrothal, that she’d wanted a more advantageous match. I didn’t have anything to offer, not really. My family was dead, our fortune and property gone. I only had one relative, and he could barely support himself. But even if she wasn’t happy about it, she was kind to me. She helped me learn English, and she held me when I cried, crawled into bed with me when I had nightmares and soothed me back to sleep. She took care of me, protected me, taught me. She did everything that a betrothed was supposed to do.

“I was so lost in my grief that it was almost eight months before I realized the mistake. Eight months I spent thinking Alex was going to be my bondmate. My wife.

“Maybe if I had realized sooner, it would have been easier, but I didn’t, and by the time I did…”

“You were already in love with her.”

Kara didn’t answer. She just nodded.

Tina squeezed her hand. “I’m sorry,” she said.

Kara sighed, and looked at the sketchbook. “I think part of me has been holding out hope. The bracelet on her wrist in all the drawings… That’s how my people signified a marriage. I think that’s the reason I waited so long to tell her I liked girls. I thought if she didn’t know, then it wasn’t really a rejection, but now she does know, and I don’t think she’s okay with it.”

“Then she doesn’t deserve you,” Tina said. She lifted Kara’s hand and pressed a kiss to her knuckles. “Can I give you some advice?”

Kara looked up at her. “Sure.”

“Tell her.”

“What?”

“Tell her what happened. Tell her how you feel. I know it’s scary, but you’re never going to get past this until you know for sure, and until you tell her, there will always be that little doubt in your head.”

“You really think it would help?”

“I do,” Tina said. “I think honesty is almost always better than lies.”

Kara looked down at the sketchbook, at the sketch of Alex and Streaky, at the bracelet on Alex’s wrist. The sketch of the future she wanted, with Alex as her bondmate.

“I’m not sure I can do it.”

“You can.” She reached out and tapped the sketchbook. “You’re braver than you give yourself credit for. The way you put your truth on the page. Frida would be impressed. Of course, she’d also try to talk you and Alex into a threesome.”

Kara laughed, and Tina smiled at her and lifted Kara’s hand up to her mouth, pressing a kiss to Kara’s knuckles.

“If she’s an idiot, and tells you know, then come find me. I’m not to proud to be your rebound girl.”

“I’ll keep that in mind, but do you think, in the meantime, we could still be friends?”

“I’d like that,” Tina said.


	8. Confessions and Revelations

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kara and Alex sit down and have a talk

Alex wasn’t sure how long she sat out on the beach. All she really knew was that when she finally worked up the courage to look, Tina’s car was gone. She still wasn’t sure she could hold it together, but she couldn’t spend the night on the beach, so she took a deep breath, braced herself, and headed into the house.

She considered going to the kitchen and trying to eat. She hadn’t had anything since breakfast, but she wasn’t sure she’d be able to keep it down. Not yet. She needed to go upstairs and see if she could even walk into her bedroom without remembering what she’d seen earlier and without the sick feeling that came with it, so instead of going to the kitchen she headed upstairs taking it slowly, trying to prepare herself.

What she found when she reached her and Kara’s bedroom wasn’t anything like what she expected. Kara was sitting on her bed, surrounded by her sketchbooks. Alex glanced over at the shelf and saw that there were still a bunch on the shelf, but Kara had six laid out on the bed. Before Alex could say anything, Kara looked up at her, and gave her a weak smile, but what Alex saw in Kara’s eyes broke her heart.

Kara was afraid.

It had taken Alex a long time to learn to spot when Kara was afraid, because while Kara might admit when she was said, or angry, or hurt, or lonely, or anything else, Kara never, ever admitted when she was afraid. Sometimes, it made Alex wonder if fear was some kind of sin on Krypton, and it made Alex angry, because Kara should be able to admit when she was afraid. She shouldn’t feel any kind of shame for that. But what was worse is that the fear in Kara’s eyes was directed at her, and that tore at Alex even worse than seeing Kara kiss Tina had.

“What’s wrong?” Alex asked.

Kara patted an empty spot on the bed beside her.

“Come sit with me,” she said.

Alex walked over and sat down next to Kara. “What’s all this?”

Kara took a deep breath. “I need you to let me talk, because this is hard enough as it is, and if you interrupt me, I might not be able to get it all out, okay.”

Alex nodded.

“So, something has been going on with you ever since you found out I like girls, and I’ve asked you about it, but you won’t tell me what’s wrong. I kind of think I know, but I’m not sure, and I don’t want to make assumptions. If I’m write, I might be able to make it worse, but I realized today that I can’t ask you to be honest with me about what you’re feeling if I’m keeping a huge secret from you. So I’m not going to do that anymore.”

“Kara-“

“No,” Kara said. “Let me finish. Monday, when we were walking home you asked me why I didn’t tell you I liked girls before and I avoided the question, asked if we could talk about it later.” Kara reached out and picked up one of the sketch books, and held it out to her. “It’s later.”

Alex took the sketchbook, and opened it. She glanced at the inside cover, and saw the date was just a few weeks after Kara had come to live with them. This must have been Kara’s first sketch book. Alex looked up at Kara, who gave her a small nod and she turned the page, relieving the first drawing. Alex’s felt her breath catch. The drawing was of her, rendered beautifully in charcoal. She was behind a window, wooden slats supporting the different panes of glass, and holding aside a curtain. It took a moment, but Alex realized it must have been Kara’s first look at her, the moment not long after she and Superman had sat down in the yard, and Alex had looked out the window to get a good look at the girl who was going to be sharing her room. Everything was perfect, the curtain, the shirt she was wearing that day, her face. The detail was amazing, but one thing stood out to her. There was a bracelet on her wrist. It was such an odd thing, because Alex knew she hasn’t been wearing a bracelet that day. She knew because she didn’t own any bracelets. The only jewelry she owned were a hand full of chokers and a couple of necklaces.

She glanced up at Kara, but Kara didn’t say anything, just nodded towards the sketch book. Alex looked back down and turned the page. The next sketch was another moment Alex recognized. Kara had been there about three days, and Alex had woken up in the middle of the night and found Kara curled up in a ball, choking back sobs. Alex and gotten up and crawled into bed with her and held her for hours, telling her it would be okay. The sketch was of Alex, resting her head on a pillow, an empty bed behind her, and that same bracelet on her wrist.

She flipped the page again and again, taking in each picture before moving on. Every picture was of her. Some were moments she remembered, but most weren’t. Just random moments through the days and weeks after Kara arrived. She reached the end of the book after maybe half an hour of flipping through it, and in every single sketch, she’d been wearing the bracelet. She closed the sketch book, and looked up at Kara, but Kara didn’t say anything. She just took the book from her and handed her another one. Alex opened it, and flipped through, not lingering this time, not looking at every picture, but she got enough to know this one was the same, every picture of her and every one had her wearing that bracelet. After that, she went through three more the same way. She was older in each one and it was always the same. Her and the bracelet. Kara handed her the last sketchbook, and Alex looked through it. The sketches ended about halfway through, the last one signed and dated the night before.

She closed the sketchbook and handed it to Kara as she wracked her brain. She knew bracelets had a special significance to Kryptonians, that they used them in place of wedding rings, but that didn’t make any sense. Alex wasn’t married.

“The bracelet…?”

“Is a bonding bracelet,” Kara said. “The Kryptonian version of a wedding ring.”

“I don’t understand,” Alex said.

Kara sighed and closed her eyes. “When Kal-El brought me here, he barely spoke Kryptonian. What he did speak was broken, disjointed, heavily accented. He used words that were wrong. They translated into the right human words, but he didn’t understand connotation.”

“What does that mean?”

“If I said ‘Jane is giving me a ride to the movies Friday night’ that has one meaning. If I said ‘Jane is taking me to the movies Friday night’ that has a completely different meaning, because of connotation. The first one implies that someone is driving me somewhere, the second one implies a date.”

“Okay,” Alex said.

“When Kal-El brought me here, he told me I would be joining your family. He should have used the word ‘serni’ but he said ‘uvrreoshi’. Both literally translate to ‘will be joining’, but they have different connotations. On Krypton, ‘uvrreoshi’ meant ‘will be marrying’.”

“He told you that you were going marry my family?”

“That’s the way he said it, but given how broken his Kryptonian was, I thought he was trying to say I was going to marry into your family, and since you were the only one my age, I assumed he had arranged a betrothal for me. That when I came of age, you and I would be married.”

“Kara…”

Kara looked down at the bed, and when she spoke again, Alex could hear the pain in her voice. “I knew you were angry, that you resented having me here. I thought you were angry because I spoiled your shot at a better match. On Krypton, an El was a good marriage. We had money, fame, power, influence. We were the oldest most powerful house on the planet. Even a Zod would consider marrying an El a good match. But on Earth, I had nothing. No House, no name, no money, no power, no influence. Everything I had your family gave me. I thought you were angry because you were marrying down, but even then, you were so good to me. You took care of me, protected me, comforted me when it got to be too much.”

Alex watched in horror as tears started rolling down Kara’s face. “It took me eight months to figure it out. You remember that night right before Halloween my first year, when I broke down during the middle of dinner?”

“Yeah,” Alex said. She would never forget it. Kara had cried for hours, and she’d been inconsolable for days. When Alex asked afterwards, Kara had told her that it had suddenly hit her that she was never going to get to stand in a temple of Rao again.

“I was doing my homework right before dinner. My history teacher had us watching the evening news and keeping a current events journal, and there was a story about gay marriage and it talked about how it might become legal in Massachusetts, and that if that happened, Massachusetts would be the first state to legalize it. That’s when I realized that Kal-El made a mistake. That we weren’t going to be bonded.”

“You wanted to marry me?” Alex asked, not able to believe what she was hearing.

Kara opened her mouth, but no words came up. She looked up at Alex, and she pushed the last sketch book towards her. Alex looked down at it, and for a moment, she was confused, but then it hit her. The last sketch was from the night before, and it still had the bonding bracelet in it. She looked back up at Kara, suddenly understanding exactly what Kara was trying to tell her.

For a moment, she didn’t believe it. Couldn’t believe it. She’d spent the last week miserable because of what she felt for Kara, what she wanted from her. She’d been overwhelmed with guilt, feeling like there was something wrong with her, and at the same time feeling crushed because Kara would never, ever want her the way she wanted Kara. But Kara was sitting there, telling her she’d wanted to marry her, that she still wants to marry her. And Alex couldn’t stop herself from thinking about the conversation they’d had the day Kara had accidently outed herself, that Kara wanted a marriage like Clark’s parents had. One that was a partnership, but one that was also filled with love and physical intimacy.

Kara was telling her she wanted everything Alex had been trying to stop herself from wanting for the past week. It was like a dream and she wondered for a moment if that’s what this was, if she had fallen asleep out on the beach. It was too good to be true, but it was happening. It was actually happening, and Alex was almost afraid to believe it.

“You asked why I didn’t tell you I liked girls. I was afraid if I told you, that you would figure it out. That you would hate me, and maybe I was right, because ever since Monday, you’ve been acting weird, like you don’t want to be around me, but then I thought maybe you were mad because I was keeping something from you, and I just… I thought if you understood why I didn’t tell you, then maybe you’d forgive me, and we could just go back to being Kara and Alex. At least, I hope we can because I love you, and even if you don’t love me the same way, I need you. Nothing else on this planet means a thing to me if I don’t have you. You’re the only thing that makes me feel at home, and I can’t lose that. Please, I can’t lose another home Alex. I’d never survive it. It’s okay that you don’t want me like that. I made peace with it a long time ago, but please come back to me. Please.”

* * *

Alex turned so she was facing Kara and took Kara’s hands in hers. “Kara, I don’t hate you, and I’m not mad at you.”

“Then why have you been so distant the last few days?” Kara asked. “Ever since you found out I like girls-”

“That isn’t when it started,” Alex said.

“What?”

“It started that day that boy came up to you on the beach.”

“I don’t understand,” Kara said. “You were fine that night.”

Alex closed her eyes and took a deep breath. “You remember when Vicki started dating that guy from the basketball team?”

“Yeah,” Kara asked, getting more confused by the minute. What did Vicki have to do with the way Alex had been acting?

“You remember how I was in a bad mood for weeks, until she dumped him?”

“Yeah,” Kara said, a small grin tugging at the corner of her lips. “Hard to forget. Eliza asked you to drive me up to the art supply store in Coast City because she had to go into the lab on a Saturday, and you said, ‘Great, now I can’t even have a social life because you decided to open a halfway house for insufferable Martians,’ and Eliza grounded you for two weeks.” At the time, she had acted affronted, but the truth was, it was all she could do not to lean over and kiss Alex, because she always found grumpy Alex adorable.

“I used to get so angry anytime Vicki went out with anyone. I hated when she would spend time with anyone else. I just, I got so jealous, and I hated it, because she was my friend and I should have been happy for her.”

“What does that have to do with me though?”

“Ever since we got close, I’ve been chasing away anyone who bothers you, and I like that, you know. I like protecting you and being there for you. It makes me feel proud that I can do that for you, that I can take care of you, and I love that we spend all our time together. But when Grant came up to you that day, it made me realize that one day, someone was going to come up to you, and you weren’t going to want me to chase them away. You were going to go on dates, and fall in love and… I hated it. As jealous as I got over Vicki going out with boys, it was nothing compared to what it felt like thinking about you going on a date with some boy.

“You fell asleep during the movie, and I sat there holding you, thinking that I was the one who took care of you, who taught you about Earth, who protected you, who comforted you where you were upset. I love you, and wanted to keep you all to myself, to spend every moment I could with you. Breakfast in the morning, walking school, lunch, walking home, afternoons spent talking and laughing, evenings spend curled up on the couch watching movies or doing our homework, nights spent talking, curling up in bed together and holding each other while we sleep. I want all of that, and I don’t want to share those things with anyone. Especially some boy who would never deserve you.

“And then, Monday, I found out that it wasn’t boys I needed to worry about, and then you told me about what a marriage meant on Krypton and it sounded so much like us. How close we are, how we take care of each other, how we help each other, the way we always reach out for each other when something is wrong. Just being around you makes me feel stronger, it makes me feel like I have a purpose, like my life has meaning. And I thought if we already had that, maybe it could just stay that way. I never really wanted the physical stuff with boys anyway. I hate kissing boys, hate it when they touch me. I thought we could get a place together, and just be like we are now. But then I thought about how you might want the physical stuff, and I thought about what it would be like if we did things like they did on Krypton. I thought about the nights you’d slip off to see your lover, about some girl kissing you and touching you, and I felt like I was going to throw up, but I couldn’t figure out why, because it wasn’t like I wanted to kiss you.

“Except, as soon as I thought that, I realized I did. I wanted to kiss you. I wanted it more than anything. When I realized that, I freaked out. I went out onto the deck to get away from you, to try to get the idea out of my head, but I couldn’t. I just… God, it was all I could think about, and it wasn’t just kissing, either. All the things I never wanted with boys, I wanted with you. Kissing, and touching and… everything.

“I tried not to. I’ve spent all week trying not to, because you’re supposed to be my sister, but I couldn’t get it out of my head. Once I realized what I wanted, I couldn’t stop thinking about it. I couldn’t stop wanting it to be me. I couldn’t sleep, I could barely eat, because I thought if you knew you’d hate me.

“And then, you brought Tina home, and it was like a nightmare, because all I could think about was that she was perfect for you. She’s beautiful and strong and smart and she’s into art and I hated her because I was afraid that she’d take you away from me.

“When I walked in on her kissing you, it hurt so much I thought I was going to be sick, and I’m sorry if I made you think I was mad at you. I just… When I realized I feel this way, I didn’t know how to handle it. I thought there was something wrong with me for feeling this way.”

Kara stared at Alex, not quiet believing what she was hearing. When she’d decided to tell Alex the truth, the best she’d hoped for was understanding, but she’d been prepared for pity, or disgust, but it sounded like Alex had feelings for her, that Alex felt the same way she did. It felt too good to be true, and she had to be sure, because this was Alex, and she couldn’t lose her over a misunderstanding.

“Alex, look at me.”

Alex opened her eyes and looked at Kara. 

“Are you saying you have feelings for me?” Kara asked.

“Yes.”

“Romantic feelings?”

Alex nodded. “Yes.”

Kara let go of Alex’s hands and picked up the sketch books, carefully stacking them on the bedside table. She took her glasses off, and sat them on top of the sketch books, and took a quick look to see where Eliza was. She was in her office, typing away on something for work, so Kara turned back to Alex, sure they wouldn’t be interrupted.

“Can I… Can I kiss you?” she asked, and for a moment, the question hung in the air between them. Kara could feel her heart pounding in her chest as she waited for Alex’s answer. She’d waited years for this moment, but suddenly, she wasn’t sure she could wait another second. Alex had feelings for her. Alex wanted her, the same way she wanted Alex.

She was so swept up in her emotions that when Alex nodded, so almost missed it, but only almost. She wanted to kiss Alex more than anything, and Alex had given her permission, and it felt like a blessing from Rao himself. She reached up, gently cradling Alex’s face between her hands and leaned in, covering Alex’s lips with her own.

The kiss she’d shared with Tina earlier had been soft and gentle and sweet and exciting and arousing, and kissing Alex was all of those things, but it was so much more. It was the smell of fresh cut dusylgiv stalks wafting over Argo city during the harvest. It was the sweetness of the twellian jam cakes her grandmother gave her when her mother wasn’t looking, the tart bite of scarlet berries fresh from market, the citrus like tang of oregus leaves. It was the red sky during the long twilight when Father Rao sat unmoving on the horizon for weeks of Earth time. It was the soft voices of the choir during the Mass of Rao Transitioning, and the texture of the shimmer silk robes against her cheek as she hugged her mother when she got home from work. Kissing Alex was safety and warmth and comfort and a future filled with happiness and joy. Kissing Alex was a relief, like the weight of everything she’d been through was lifted off her shoulders. Kissing Alex was silence, because the screaming cacophony of Earth went away, leaving nothing but the rapid beating of Alex’s heart. But more than anything else, kissing Alex was like finally, finally coming home to a place where she was safe and loved and happy.

When the kiss was over, she pulled back and looked at Alex’s face, still not quite able to believe this was happening.

“You’re crying,” Alex said.

“I’m just… I…,” Kara stared at Alex for a moment, trying to find words that would explain it, but the only words she could think of would make no sense to Alex, because she wouldn’t have the context, so instead, Kara just leaned in and kissed her again, before resting her forehead against Alex’s.

“I love you,” she whispered.

“You do?” Alex asked, and Kara could hear the insecurity in her voice. She knew Alex always had a hard time accepting that people cared about her, that they loved her, and right then, Kara decided that she would tell Alex that she loved her every single day for the rest of their lives.

“So much,” Kara said as she kissed Alex again. “I know it’s not the way humans do things, but Kal promised you to me the day we met, and I have loved you almost that long. I would take the vows with you right now. Take you as my bond mate and swear myself to you before Father Rao. You are my heart and my home Alex, and I could never love anyone else the way I love you.”

It seemed like it was Alex’s turn to cry, because tears welled up in her eyes and spilled down her cheeks. Kara would have worried if Alex hadn’t been smiling so wide.

“Are you asking me to marry you?” Alex asked, and Kara knew it was a deflection. Alex’s way of protecting herself from emotions that were starting to overwhelm her. If it had been anyone else, she might have gotten upset, but this was Alex, and it was such an Alex thing to do, that it just made Kara love her that much more.

“I mean, technically, we’re already engaged, so it’s more of a ‘I’m ready whenever you are’.”

“Engaged, huh?” Alex asked. “I don’t remember agreeing to that.”

“Technically, Eliza agreed to it.”

“Well, I might need a little convincing,” Alex said.

Kara smiled as she moved forward, climbing into Alex’s lap and wrapping her arms around Alex’s neck.

“Can I kiss you again?”

“Any time you want,” Alex said.

Kara leaned in and kissed her, and one kiss lead to another and another, but Alex pulled away as Kara was leaning in for the fourth one.

“I love you,” Alex whispered.

“I love you too,” Kara said, and those were the last words either of them spoke for a long time.


	9. Past and Future

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kara does something nice for Tina, and she and Alex have a talk with Eliza.

Alex couldn’t stop smiling as she walked down the hall towards the cafeteria. She kept rubbing her thumb over the bracelet on her left wrist. It wasn’t a bonding bracelet. However ready Kara might be for that, Alex wasn’t ready to get married. Not yet. But when Kara had suggested betrothal bracelets, Alex had jumped at the idea. She loved the idea of a visible, tangible symbol that Kara belonged to her. So, Sunday afternoon, they’d climbed onto her dad’s Ducati, and driven down to the mall, and picked out a pair of bracelets. Nothing fancy, just a pair of plain sterling silver cuffs. They brought them home, and Kara had used her heat vision to engrave the House of El Coat of Arms and the name Danvers on the outside of the cuff, and a prayer to Rao in both English and Kryptonian on the inside. ‘May Father Rao light our path towards each other and bless the day we become one.’

She’d felt a little giddy ever since Kara has slipped the bracelet on her wrist, which was strange, because as a rule, Alex didn’t do giddy. Of course, part of that might have been the hours between them getting home from school, and Eliza coming home, which for the last four days they had spent making out on the couch, or in one of their beds. She suspected the fact that they’d slept in the same bed the last six nights might also have something to do with it.

Honestly, the last few days had felt like she and Kara were in a bubble filled with nothing but each other and happiness and she just wanted to stay there forever. Just keep stealing every moment they could for them. That had been the one thing they disagreed on over the last few days. Kara had insisted that they had to tell Clark and Eliza. Alex had tried to point out that they couldn’t get married if Eliza killed her, but she’d discovered that it was very, very hard to argue with your girlfriend when she had a hand on your boob and was running her tongue along the shell of your ear. Alex would have actually admired how sneaky and underhanded Kara was, if it hadn’t meant that she’d ended up agreeing to tell Eliza what was going on. And Clark. Who was coming to dinner that night. To find out that Alex had been defiling his cousin.

Alex was pretty sure that she was going to have to make it a hard and fast rule that they were not allowed to make decisions while Kara was on second base. Or first base. Or any base. She didn’t want to even think about what she might agree to if Kara asked her while she was on third base. Steal the hope diamond. Assassinate the President. Admit to Eliza that she’d tried pot a couple of times.

She’d worry about how whipped she was, if Kara hadn’t already had her wrapped around her finger.

She turned the corner into the cafeteria and looked over towards their usual table, hoping to catch a glimpse of Kara, but what she saw was like a bucket of ice water dumped over her. Kara was sitting at their usual table, smiling and talking to Tina, who was sitting right next to her.

She felt a surge of the same jealousy she’d felt the day Tina had come to the house, and was half tempted to turn around and go find somewhere else to be for lunch, but Kara looked over at her, and gave her a huge smile, and Alex knew she couldn’t run, so she forced herself to smile back, and headed for the lunch line.

It only took her a couple of minutes to get her food. It was pizza day, so she got an extra slice for Kara, even though she knew Kara would have already gotten herself at least four, then she headed over to their table and took her usual seat across from Kara.

“Hey,” Kara said, giving her the same look she always gave her right before she leaned in for a kiss. “You remember Tina?”

The question was stupid. Of course she remembered Tina. It was hard not to remember the tramp who had kissed the girl she was in love with.

“Of course,” Alex said. “Sorry if I didn’t say much last weekend.”

“It’s okay,” Tina said. “Kara told me you weren’t feeling well. Feeling better, I hope.”

“Yeah. Much.”

“Tina just stopped by to tell me she’s got a date,” Kara said.

“Oh?” Alex said, feeling a bit of the jealously slip away as she turned to look at Tina.

“Yeah,” Tina said. “You know Jo Parker?”

“Yeah. The butch girl in Drama club that always wears the denim work shirts.”

Tina smiled a big, dreamy smile. “Yeah. Honestly, I’ve had a thing for her since freshman year, but I could never work up the guts to ask her out. Funny thing, she just came up to me this morning and asked if I wanted to go to the art festival up in Coast City tomorrow.”

“That sounds great,” Alex said.

“Yeah,” Tina said. “I’m really excited.” She stood up and picked up her tray. “I’ll get out of your guys way, so you can enjoy your lunch.”

“Bye,” Kara said.

“Bye,” Tina said.

“Bye,” Alex said, feeling more than a little relief as she watched her walk away.

“You don’t need to be jealous,” Kara said.

“What?” Alex said, turning back to Kara. “I’m not… Am I that obvious?”

“Only to me,” Kara said. “I can hear your heartbeat.”

“That is so not fair.”

“You love me anyway,” Kara said, a smug little grin on her face.

“Yeah,” Alex said. “I kind of do.”

“If it makes you feel better, I actually told Jo that Tina had a crush on her.”

“You did?” Alex asked.

“Yep,” Kara said. “I suggested the art festival too.”

“That was really nice of you.”

“I just felt kind of bad, you know. She was so nice to me, sitting with me when you weren’t here to make sure no one bullied me because I’m gay and wanting to make sure I had people to hang out with next year while you’re away at college, but then everything happened with us and I just kind of ditched her. And I thought, you know, she seems a bit lonely, and she mentioned thinking Jo was cute. Jo and I have Spanish class together so I talked to her a bit and found out that she’d wanted to ask Tina out, but she figured the hot cheerleader wouldn’t be interested. I figured since I couldn’t hang out with Tina anymore, I’d do a little matchmaking.”

Alex stared at Kara for a minute, and felt her heart melt just a little, because Kara was giving up a friendship because she knew it would make Alex jealous. It was sweet, and touching, and just the fact that she was going to do it without Alex asking meant more to Alex than she could say. It also meant she couldn’t let Kara do that.

“You could, if you want to.”

“Could what?” Kara asked.

“Hang out with Tina.”

“Really?” Kara asked, and Alex knew from the smile on her face, she’d made the right decision.

“Yeah.”

“It won’t make you jealous?”

“Maybe a little, but I’ll deal with it,” Alex said. “I want to be a good girlfriend. Not the kind that runs your life. I want you to be happy, and if hanging out with Tina makes you happy, then you should. Just no more kissing her, okay?”

“Deal,” Kara said.

“Besides, this way, I know you’ll have someone to hang out with after Mom kills me tonight.”

“She’s not going to kill you.”

“She totally is, but honestly, the past few days are worth it.”

“You really mean that?”

“I really do.”

“I love you.”

“I love you too.”

* * *

The air was filled with tension as they settled down in the living room. Kara wasn’t really surprised. Eliza and Clark both knew something was up. The fact that Kara had called Clark and asked him to make one of his rare appearances was a pretty big clue to begin with, but they had both been picking up on either signals throughout the night. Clark had caught sight of the bracelet on Kara’s wrist the moment she’d opened the door, and while Clark might not speak Kryptonian as fluently as she would like, and might be missing a lot of the subtleties of Kryptonian culture, he had the basics down well enough to recognize a betrothal bracelet.

Dinner had been another clue. Eliza had given up on trying to feed two Kryptonians, and had put two party sized trays of frozen lasagna in the over a couple of hours before Clark was supposed to show, and supplemented it with garlic bread and a few other things. When Alex had finished her first piece of lasagna, instead of reaching for another, she’s waited while Kara put another piece on her plate, then given half to Alex. Dessert had been brownies topped with ice cream and hot fudge, and as soon as Eliza had sat Alex’s plate down, she has cut a corner of the brownie and put it on Kara’s plate. The simple ritual was more symbolic than anything else. The sharing of food to indicate a willingness to share the wealth and plenty of your house. Eliza had just given them a puzzled look, but she’d watched Clark’s eyebrows clime towards his hairline both times.

Once dinner was over, she and Clark had used a bit of super speed to clear the table and do the dishes while Alex ran up stairs and grabbed the stack of sketch books Kara had set out on her bedside table. Once the dishes were done, Kara had asked Eliza and Clark to join her and Alex in the living room, which had led them to this moment. Her and Alex sitting side by side on the couch, hands linked, fingers threaded together, while Eliza and Clark sat in the two easy chairs that faced the couch.

Kara could hear Alex’s heart racing, which wasn’t surprising at all. She knew Alex was nervous about telling Eliza about their feelings. She’d managed to convince her that it would be better to tell Eliza than for her to walk in on them while they were distracted and found out that way. She hoped that Eliza would be more inclined to listen to reason if they were having a nice, calm discussion, instead of catching them in the middle of some of the things they were doing.

What she hadn’t told Alex was that she was terrified that Eliza wasn’t going to react well even if they told her like this. She was afraid that when this was over, she’d be going back to Metropolis with Clark, or that he’d take her to Kansas to stay with the Kents. Neither of those were good options, but Kara didn’t feel like she had a choice. She couldn’t hide what she felt for Alex, and even if she could, she didn’t want to. She might have to hide among humans, but she was still Kryptonian, and while taking a lover was a purely private matter, taking a bondmate was something different altogether. If she was going to have a relationship with Alex, if she was going to bond with her, she had to have the approval of Alex’s head of House. She had to have Eliza’s approval. And the thought of Alex as anything less than her bondmate was completely unacceptable.

“So, what’s all this about?” Eliza asked, breaking the silence that had settled over them.

Kara glanced over at Alex, who looked ready to bolt from the room, but she looked back and Kara and gave her a small nod, and Kara had to stop herself from leaning in and kissing Alex. She was always so brave, and Kara loved her for it. She squeezed Alex’s hand, and turned back to Eliza.

“It’s kind of a long story,” Kara said, “but it started the day Clark brought me here. I’m not sure how much he told you about the few days between the time I landed, and the time he brought me to live with you, but there was a bit of a language barrier. I didn’t speak English at all, and Clark’s Kryptonian was… terrible.” She gave Clark an apologetic look. “Sorry.”

He shrugged. “It’s the truth.”

“One of the problems he had, aside from the fact that he had somehow picked up a thick Kryptonopolis accent, was that while he knew the literal translation of most Kryptonian vocabulary, he didn’t understand connotation associated with certain words.”

“I’m not sure what you mean, Sweetie,” Eliza said.

“The example I used when I explained this to Alex is the difference between ‘Jane is giving me a ride to the movies Friday night’ and ‘Jane is taking me to the movies Friday night’. Taken literally, they have the exact same meaning, but someone familiar with the cultural connotations of each phrase will understand that the first implies that Jane is providing me with transportation, while the second would imply that Jane is taking me on a date.”

“Okay,” Eliza said. “I think I follow.”

“When Clark brought me here, he told me I would be joining your family. He should have used the word ‘serni’ but he said ‘uvrreoshi’. Both literally translate to ‘will be joining’, but they have different connotations. On Krypton, ‘uvrreoshi’ meant ‘will be marrying’. The phrasing didn’t really make any sense, but when I saw Alex, I assumed that Clark had arranged a betrothal. I was of the right age. My parents were already in talks to make the arrangements when Krypton exploded, so the only part that was unusual to me was being fostered by my fiancé’s family.”

“You thought you were going to marry Alex?” Eliza asked.

“Yes,” Kara said.

“Oh, God,” Clark said. He reached up, pushing his glasses up onto his forehead and covering his face with both hands. “Kara, I am so sorry.”

“I know,” Kara said. “I’m not mad. Not anymore. Not for a long time.”

“How long did you think you were going to marry Alex?” Eliza asked.

“Eight months,” Kara said. “I figured it out right before Halloween that first year.”

“I remember that,” Eliza said. “You started crying during dinner.”

“Yeah.”

“Why didn’t you say something?” Eliza asked.

“What could I say?” Kara asked. “I’m crying because I just figured out I’m not marrying your daughter? It was as much my mistake as Clark’s. If I had paid more attention to human customs, made more of an effort to learn how to fit in, I would have realized my mistake sooner. Maybe even before I fell in love with Alex.”

Clark and Eliza both stared at her for a moment, shock written on their faces. 

“You have to understand, on Krypton, marriages were not about love. They were partnerships. They weren’t about lust and passion or love. They were about people coming together, sharing burdens, caring for each other in times of need. Your partner is meant to be a source of strength and comfort. The ideal for a Kryptonian marriage was that your spouse became your best friend, your closest companion, and your partner in all things. Those first few months, before Jeremiah died, Alex took care of me, protected me, taught me had to blend in, taught me how to function in a new world. She held me at night, when I woke up from nightmares about Krypton or Earth burning, or when I couldn’t stop crying because I missed my parents. She was the perfect bond mate even if she didn’t realize it.

“When I realized Clark’s mistake, I decided not to say anything, and I didn’t. Not for years. But a couple of weeks ago, a boy asked me on a date during lunch at school, and I said no. He asked me why, and I told him it was because I prefer girls. I didn’t mean for anyone else to overhear it, but most of the people in the cafeteria did, including Alex. On the way home, Alex and I talked about it. I told her that on Krypton, I had asked my father to arrange a betrothal to a girl named Thara Ak-Var. She was my best friend, and I couldn’t think of anyone else I would have rather bonded with. My parents had talked to hers, and were negotiating the betrothal when Krypton exploded. Alex asked me why I hadn’t told her before, and I didn’t answer. I wasn’t sure how to answer without telling her the truth, so I asked if we could talk about it later. She agreed, but after that, she started acting different. Pulling away, and I didn’t know why.”

Kara turned to Alex. When they’d talked about what to say, they’d agreed that Alex should be the one to talk about the next part, but Kara wanted to make sure Alex was still okay with that. Looking at her, she was sure Alex was anything but okay with it. She looked ready to throw up, but she just nodded at Kara and turned to look at Eliza, and Kara couldn’t help but smile at how brave Alex was being.

“I’ve been having feelings for a long time that were confusing,” Alex said. “Things I didn’t really understand. At first, it was with Vicki. I loved spending time with her, sleeping at her house, sleeping in her bed, cuddling up with her. I’d get jealous and angry anytime she went out with a boy, and I always felt this sense of relief when she broke up with them, or said she didn’t want a second date. I thought I was a terrible person for it, because I should want my friend to have a boyfriend and be happy, but I couldn’t get past it. But after everything that happened with Kenny, Kara and I got close, and I realized I’d started to have the same sort of feelings towards Kara, only they were a lot stronger.

“When that boy asked Kara out it kind of sent my jealousy into overdrive. I didn’t really understand why, and I thought I was just a terrible person. I should want Kara to be happy, to find a boyfriend and fall in love, but even the thought made me a little sick. But then I found out she liked girls, and somehow, that was worse. I couldn’t stop thinking about what it would be like watching girls ask her out, watching Kara date them and kiss them, and it made me realize why I was jealous. I wanted to be the one to kiss her.

“I didn’t really react well to that. I started pulling away from Kara, trying to stop myself from thinking about it, from feeling it, but I couldn’t sleep, I could barely eat. By the end of the week, you I was in such bad shape you made me stay home from school. I spent the whole day trying to get my feelings in check, and I thought I managed it, but then the next day, Kara invited Tina over, and I walked in on them kissing and it hurt so bad I thought I might die. I ran out and just sat on the beach until she was gone.”

Kara gave Alex’s hand a small squeeze. “After Alex walked in on us, Tina and I had a talk. I told her I wasn’t really in a place where I could get into a relationship with her. Once she left, Alex and I had a long talk. I told her everything. Clark’s mistake, that I fell in love with her before I realized that we weren’t supposed to get married, that I’d spent the last few years hiding my feelings. I thought, maybe if she had a chance to tell me she didn’t want me like that, it would help me move on.”

“When she told me, I was shocked. I couldn’t really believe it at first, but she showed me her sketchbooks.” Alex nodded at the stack of sketchbooks on the table between them. “Once I knew how she felt about me, I told her what I’d been going through, why I had been pulling away. Things kind of just went from there.”

“What do you mean, ‘went from there?’” Eliza asked.

“She means we’re together,” Kara said. “Not bonded. Not yet. I would have. I’ve been waiting to marry her since the day I arrived here. But Alex said she needed time, and I know that’s the way humans do things, so I’ll wait for her, but these are betrothal bracelets.”

“So, you’re engaged?” Eliza asked.

Kara glanced over at Alex, who said, “Yes. Which sounds crazy, I know, but we’re not planning on getting married tomorrow. On Krypton, Kara might not have met her wife or husband until the day they got married, and on Earth, people date for years before they get engaged. This is a way for us both to get what we need. Kara gets the promise that I’m there for her, that I want to be with her, and that I want a future together, and I get the time I need to find out if we work together before we take the vows.”

Judging by the look on Clark’s face, he had no idea what to make of the situation. He looked completely lost. Eliza, on the other hand, had the look on her face that she got when she was trying to control her emotions, but not doing a very good job.

“Kara, Clark, could you give Alex and I a few minutes?” Eliza asked.

“No,” Kara said.

“What?”

“Eliza, I love you, and I respect you, but I am not going to walk out of this room and let you blame Alex for this. This is not Alex taking advantage of me, and this is not a situation where I don’t understand some weird part of human culture. If I was on Krypton, I would be married already. I would be a full fledged member of the science guild, and if the betrothal with Thara went through, my wife would be an officer in the security forces. If you need someone to blame, someone to yell at or be mad at, then yell at me, because Alex was going to do what she always does. Swallow her feelings and ignore her own needs to take care of me. I’m the one who started this by telling her how I feel.”

The expression on Eliza’s face softened, and she smiled at Kara. “Sweetie, I wasn’t going to yell at Alex, or blame her. I just wanted to ask her a couple of questions.”

“You can ask with Kara here,” Alex said.

Eliza stared at them for a minute, then nodded. “Okay.” She looked right at Alex. “Is this what you really want? I know I’ve told you over and over again to take care of your sister, but if this isn’t something you want, you don’t have to do it just to make her happy.”

Kara turned and looked at Alex, who smiled at her. “This is what I want,” Alex said. “Mom, being with Kara is… It’s a relief. When we’re together, I’m calm and relaxed, and I don’t feel like I have to carry everything. She makes me feel like I’m enough, like I matter. And when I’m not with her, it feels like a part of me is missing. I’ve been happier the last few days that I’ve ever been before. I need you to be okay with this, Mom, because I don’t think I could take losing Kara.”

Eliza nodded. “Okay, sweetheart,” she said, then she turned to Kara. “And are you sure this is what you want? That you’re not just doing this because of Clark’s mistake?”

Kara leaned forward and pushed the sketch books towards Eliza. “Have a look.”

Eliza leaned forward and picked up the first sketchbook. She opened it and for a few minutes, there was nothing but the sound of turning pages to break the silence, before she finally asked, “This is a bonding bracelet, isn’t it?”

“Yes,” Kara said.

Eliza closed the sketchbook and set it back on top of the stack.

“We’ll sit down tomorrow and talk,” Eliza said. “Just… This isn’t what I expected, and I might need a little time to adjust, but girls, I’m happy for you. I mean that.”

Kara smiled and turned to Clark.

“Are you good with this?” she asked.

“I… um…” He turned and looked at Eliza, who gave him a small nod. “Yes. And I’m sorry, Kara. I never meant to do that.”

“It’s okay,” Kara said, holding up her and Alex’s hand. “It worked out for the best.”

Clark nodded, looking a little lost. “Yeah. I guess it did.”

“Girls, could you go upstairs? I need to have a talk with Clark.”

Kara looked over at Alex, who nodded a little too enthusiastically. She stood up and reached for the sketch books.

“Could you leave those?” Eliza asked. “I’d like to look through them.”

“Okay,” Kara said.

Alex gave her hand a small tug, and Kara followed her up the stairs, never letting go of her hand. Alex led them to the bedroom and closed the door before both of them dropped down on Alex’s bed. The kicked their shoes off and curled up together.

“How bad do you think it will be?” Alex asked.

Kara cocked her head and expanded her senses, letting her super hearing reach downstairs. She immediately winced and regretted it, turning her hearing down so she couldn’t hear what was being said.

“Your mom is really creative when it comes to swearing,” Kara said.

Alex laughed. “I take it Clark is not having a good time?”

“She said that maybe he should spend a little more time learning Kryptonian and a little less time… um… with the cows.”

Alex leaned over and buried her face in Kara’s shoulder as she laughed, and Kara sighed contentedly when she felt Alex’s arms wrap around her waist. She put her arms around Alex and squeezed as tightly as she could without hurting Alex.

“It’s okay,” she said. “We’re okay.”

She felt Alex relaxing against her. “I thought she was going to kill me when she asked you to leave.”

“I wouldn’t let her.”

“Thank you for staying, for protecting me.”

Kara pressed a kiss against Alex’s temple. “Just returning the favor.”

“I love you,” Alex said.

Kara leaned in and placed a quick peck on Alex’s lips. “I love you too,” she said.

“We really get to have this?”

“We do,” she said. “We really do.”

Alex shifted against her so that instead of pressing her face against Kara’s shoulder, she was resting her head on it.

“Kara?”

“Yeah?”

“Would you really marry me right now?”

“Yes.”

“You’re not scared?” Alex asked.

“Scared of what?” Kara asked.

“That you’ll change your mind. That you’ll want someone better than me. That you’ll meet someone who can give you things I can’t.”

“No,” Kara said. “I’m not scared of any of that.”

“You’re not?”

“No.” Kara pressed a kiss to Alex’s forehead. “You’re forgetting something Alex.

“What’s that?”

“I’m not human,” Kara said. “Kryptonians aren’t fickle when it comes to who we love, but taking a bond mate is about so much more than love. You give me things that no one else could. You’re my home, Alex. My shelter. You’ve seen me at my weakest, and you didn’t turn away. You picked me up, and you helped me heal. You’re scared that I’ll find someone better than you, but that’s not possible. There is no one better than you. Not for me. You are everything I could ask for in a bond mate. And it doesn’t matter if I meet someone who can give me things you can’t, because you’ve already given me everything I need. The only thing I’m scared of is a life without you.”

“That will never happen,” Alex said.

“Are you sure?” Kara asked. “What if you change your mind, or decide you want someone better than me, or meet someone who can give you things I can’t?”

Alex sat up and looked at Kara. “I’m not going to change my mind! I love… Oh…”

Kara smiled and leaned forward, brushing her lips against Alex’s.

“You’ve seen the sketch books. I spent years putting my love down on paper in charcoal and graphite. Even when I thought you resented me for steeling your chance at a better match, even when I thought you would never want me, even when you hated me. There is nothing that could make me stop loving you.”

“Even if I eat all the pot stickers?” Alex asked in a teasing tone.

“Even then. You’re stuck with me, Alex Danvers.”

Alex smiled at her and leaned in, resting her head back on Kara’s shoulder. “That sounds perfect,” she said, and honestly, Kara couldn’t agree more.


End file.
